Zelda Art Elegy of Healing

[thealmightysage]

I was asked to write an elegy for a poetry prompt, I thought the land of Termina was more than deserving. Afterwards, I thought this community may appreciate the end result. Let me know what you think! I would love to hear your criticism before it gets published into my chapbook.

Elegy of Healing

Oh woe is me, this heavy heart
Goes out to those of the swamp
Whose waters were poisoned
By the hatred of an imp…

But there was one there
Whom we will never get to meet
The son of a butler to the king
Still just a child, oh woe is me!

I plead, great goddess
Hallowed be thy name
Grant me another chance
To ease these people’s pain
Hear the song that I play


Oh woe is me, this heavy heart
Goes out to those of the mountain
Whose warm home was made ice
By the hatred of an imp…

But there was one there
A hero to his people in need
Who stood up to the icy magic
Yet fell to his death, oh woe is me!

I plead, great goddess
Hallowed be thy name
Grant me another chance
To ease these people’s pain
Hear the song that I play


Oh woe is me, this heavy heart
Goes out to those of the bay
Whose neighbors were corrupted
By the hatred of an imp…

But there was one there
Who cared not for his failing country
A musician who died in search
Of his kidnapped kids, oh woe is me!

I plead great goddess
Hallowed be thy name
Grant me another chance
To ease these people’s pain
Hear the song that I play


Oh woe is me, this heavy heart
Goes out to those of the town
Whose sky is being brought down
By the hatred of an imp…

But there was one there
Abandoned by his only friends
Hidden behind a magic mask
A sad little imp, oh woe is me!

I now understand, goddess of time
Why I was brought to this place
First a tear, then the moon
Even in a world doomed to fade
A song can still be played

 

[Justac00lguy]

I dont think I am in the right place to give criticism as am I no Poet expert.......but from a neutral point of view this is great! Keep up the good work

 

[Keeseman]

Surprising that you didn't write the Elegy of Emptiness into a poem...

But anyway, I liked the refrain of "Oh woe is me, this heavy heart", as well as how you were speaking to the Goddess of Time in it. It sounds quite like a sorrowful ballad.

However, you do sometimes stray from the very beautiful, poetic language of it, like in the phrase "kidnapped kids"; it kind of strays from the beauty that this elegy could truly have.

Also, I would suggest that you use more descriptive words when, well, describing the settings and people. Instead of just saying "swamp", instead call them "realm of murky waters" or something like that.

Your rhythm was alright, but make sure to be consistent in the flow of your poem.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Terminus]

Not a poetry buff so I cant offer valid criticism but its good.

 

[thealmightysage]

Thanks Keeseman, I will take that into consideration!

 

[thealmightysage]

Thank you everyone for the advice! here's a link to the finished product!
http://zeldadungeon.net/forum/showthread.php?t=45274&p=791497#post791497