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Dealing with Death

Link Floyd

Fab Floydian!~
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
Over the last decade, I lost my grandparents. I noticed that as they passed away, I dealt with each death a bit differently. Maybe it was because of how close I was to certain ones, or my state of mind, but overall I always felt a giant gap in my heart. I either cried a lot or not at all.

How do you guys deal with the death of a friend or loved one?
 

Beauts

Rock and roll will never die
Joined
Jun 15, 2012
Location
London, United Kingdom
I've lost quite a few people. Grandparents, cousins, friends. It's never easy and you'll always miss those people but death is inevitable. I always just kind of get through it by remembering that life has to carry on. You come to terms with the loss even though I don't think you really 'get over it'.
 

mαrkαsscoρ

mike "magic mike" rowave
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Trump's America
I've lost quite a few people. Grandparents, cousins, friends. It's never easy and you'll always miss those people but death is inevitable. I always just kind of get through it by remembering that life has to carry on. You come to terms with the loss even though I don't think you really 'get over it'.
you never get over it, you get through

when my brother was killed, it never really hit me as much as one would think, though its probably b/c I wasn't close to him, in fact last time I saw him was like 2003-ish
not sure how I'll take it to someone more immediate, but not much I can do for when it does happen
 

Dizzi

magical internet cat....
ZD Legend
Joined
Jun 22, 2016
You always think oh hes gonna be at such an event but when he aint its like oh hes dead....and you miss their presence ...
 

misskitten

Hello Sweetie!
Joined
Jun 18, 2011
Location
Norway
Grief is and should be different for each person in your life that you lose. No relationship is the same, no death is the same, it's all a complex combination of elements. So far in my life I have lost three of my grandparents, my dad's cousin who used to look after me when my parents were at work, and a cousin and some other relatives that I didn't personally know that well.

My first grandpa died when I was 9 1/2, so one element was that I was a bit too young to really emotionally grasp the loss, another was that my grandpa had been very sick and suffering for months before he died - so with him I was sad that he was gone, but I was more focused on how sad my grandma was, and I spent his funeral comforting her instead of grieving myself.

Then my grandma died just months before I turned 15, and that hit me harder, both because I was older and had more of an emotional grasp of death, and because it was out of the blue. It was a good death for her, though, as she got to die in her own home and it appeared that it had been quick and relatively painless (mom described it as it looking like she was just sleeping, except her lips were blue). The hardest part about it was that I was going to be confirmed just months later, and I knew that grandma had wanted to live long enough to see all her grandchildren go through that (I was the last one), so while she lived to a really good age, it felt too soon because of that.

My other grandma died 3 years ago, right around Easter (shortly before my 31st birthday). With her it was a combination of sudden and dragged out. She had a stroke right out of the blue, and it appeared to be a series of strokes, because she had been conscious for the first one, but then became unresponsive. Because they didn't know right away how serious the stroke was she had been put on a respirator. We realized where it was heading, so we got to prepare ourselves for it as we waited for them to take her off the respirators and for her to pass away within days afterwards. But the biggest element contributing to how my grief went was the fact that I wasn't there for any of it, making it probably the hardest one yet. I live quite far away from the rest of my family, and I don't own a car, so it's not so easy to organize travel at the last minute. So it wasn't until the funeral that I could go home, which meant my only chance of saying goodbye directly to her was through a viewing before the service. And that ended up being kinda traumatizing for me (I had seen both my other grandparents like this after they died, but then it had just been a day or two after they had died, while here it been a couple of weeks), because I didn't expect her to look bruised (just natural how a person would look that long after death, but I had naively thought they would use make-up or something to make her resemble herself - but that really isn't common practice here). There was also a misshap with one of the banners at the funeral where my name was missing from the list of grandchildren, which just set me off completely (they did fix it before the service actually started, but even today just thinking about that memory makes me tear up). The actual day to day grief of her death has naturally faded, but those specific memories are still highly emotional to me.

With my dad's cousin who used to look after me, it was noticeable, but still removed, because I did not have all that much direct contact with her after I grew up. She had brain cancer, and mom and I did try to visit her when we realized where it was headed - but she had been sleeping when we went by, and she died not long after. That grief felt more remote, probably because I hadn't seen her in so long, it probably would have had a more direct impact if we had managed to see her that day, or at the very least been more direct witness to her more immediate family's grief.

With my own cousin, it was one of the cousins I hardly knew at all. When I was little one of my aunts closed herself off from the family, which meant that I didn't really understand that I had another aunt and more cousins until my first grandma died. So though we were closely related, it was a very distant experience for me. Same goes for other relatives that I didn't meet all that much, it was more empathy for those people who I were closer to than personal grief.

So, how I deal with death, it really depends on my relationship with the person, on the circumstances of the death, of a multitude of other things. But the way I see it, is that grief is the price we pay for the relationships we have with other people. The closer we are, the heavier it is, yet I think the alternative would be worse. I'd rather have those close relationships and face the inevitable grief than not have them at all. And eventually, no matter how hard a death is on you, eventually the hard emotions will fade, and you'll be able to think about them with joy in your heart. Remember the good times, laugh about the silly things that happened, and it'll be okay.
 

Spiritual Mask Salesman

~ Deus' Pug Smuggler ~
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But the way I see it, is that grief is the price we pay for the relationships we have with other people. The closer we are, the heavier it is
This sums it up pretty well. I've personally yet to deal with death in a long time. Aside from my Mother, but that happened when I was very young. It was emotional, and I missed her my entire life. But that makes sense, parents are the first people we bond with. The hole of not having her was never filled.
 

Stormageden747

Zofian General
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Jun 28, 2017
Location
Ram Village, Zofia
I was 5 when my Grandfather died, so I didn't really understand death. I mean, I was upset but I wasn't really grieving, if that makes sense. My great-grandmother died 2 years ago I think it was, but I realized it was for the better, as she couldn't do anything except sit there. Overall there hasn't been too many deaths in my life, but it is a hard thing to deal with.
 
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Hate to be the guy that just comes in and acts all emo, but I just feel the need to tell my story.

The only death in my life that really hit me was back in 16 when my dad had a heart attack. Not only did it come right out of nowhere, but I was also there when it happened. So when my last memory of one of the closest people I've ever been to was complete panic and frustration, (I was literally on the floor trying to get his heart beating again) I was in for a bad time.

First, after the initial shock wore off, I went into some state of confusion for a day or two. Hard to describe it, but imagine everything around you just spinning around your head; you know where you are, but you just can't make any sense of it. Might have been because I was overwhelmed by all the funeral arrangements, life insurance stuff and whatnot. In ended up hiding after this; my family was taking it a lot harder than I was and, being autistic, I just had trouble being around them in such a state.

After that, I kinda got all angry about everything; angry at God, angry at myself, I even started resenting my dad for some reason. My smoking and drinking problem got worse, so I only ended up becoming more irritable, which got me in some trouble. I lost my job because I acted out against a coworker and got in more fights with my mom. I pushed enough people away that I became a bitter recluse for a while.

Finally, there was the general depression; when all my hostility was let out, I was left with nothing. I found myself staying in bed longer, felt no motivation to work on my projects or find a new job. This part lasted over a year because, as others here said, life goes on, which means other bad things started happening during this period and that only made me more inclined to hole up in my room.

Well last summer, I took to getting back in the working life, which gave me reason to get out and speak to people more. I didn't expect it, but this gave me the spark of life again as I began making new friends and just found a reason to live. Of course, I still feel my dad's absence, especially because my mom found a new boyfriend (which I try not to think too much about) but I knew I wasn't going to be the same. In the end, the pain goes away, but the memories and the regrets don't.

What I learned through all this (and I encourage those of you who never had to face death to remember) is to never bottle your emotions, because they will come out, possibly in the form of aggression. I also learned to never hide from your new life and wallow in your misery, or you could wake up one day and find that a whole year just disappeared.
 

misskitten

Hello Sweetie!
Joined
Jun 18, 2011
Location
Norway
Hate to be the guy that just comes in and acts all emo, but I just feel the need to tell my story.
Considering the thread is about dealing with death, becoming emotional and/or sharing emotional stories is kind of expected. I'm really sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience, the scariest thing I've witnessed so far in my life has been someone I looked after having a seizure (but who were thankfully alright once it passed), so I cannot imagine the trauma of witnessing someone you love dying in front of you, especially like that. I'm glad that once you did get to work through emotions that things got better, I agree that bottling up emotions is probably the biggest disservice you can do yourself as you are bound to crack eventually and it'll just be worse on you then.
 

Ninja

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1. One of my best friends passed away while playing the choking game alone. She was unable to release the belt from her neck, and her mother found her later that day. We were really close. It was the first time I've ever been to a viewing and funeral service, and it sucked. Seeing her for the last time in the casket was unnerving. She was there, but wasn't. I love you Tricia, I wish we were there together that day. I was pretty out of it for awhile, however after a couple of months, we decided to live for her, and celebrate her life. The memories will always be there.

2. Next, it was senior prom day. I didn't want to go, however my mom forced me, and honestly it was one of the best days in myself because I met a girl that was also there alone and in need of a date. We hit it off right away, and talked, laughed, and danced the night away. We got close during our final days of high school, and unfortunately, her life was cut short due to a car accident. It was very surreal, we all had just hung out at lunch the day prior. As with my best friend, the services were unnerving, and we all eventually moved on. Every time I visit Florida, I phone our friends up to hang out, and talk about old times. One of them just posted a picture of prom group on FB a few days ago, really brought me back. Thanks Jetsy for all the love and laughs.

3. Every death of my dogs has been very hard for me, because they love you unconditionally, no matter what. Pebbles was half sharpei, half bulldog. She passed in my moms arms due to a heart attack from old age. Bowzer was my dog, he was half mastiff, half rottweiler, a gentle giant. I loved him so much. He suffered from hip issues and unfortunately his quality of life was so bad near the end, we put him down. I miss him dearly, and I could really use him right now. Ozzy was our fat mutt. He was half pitbull, half boxer. Really goofy, and super attached to us, and even saved my moms life one day from an attacker. When we moved to Vegas, we had to leave him with my dad for a few months. I guess he missed us so much, he died. Dad always said he just laid there all the time, never had any energy after we left. Each dog, I cried like a baby. Dealing with their death, for some reason, hurt me inside a lot more than my human friends. Weird I guess?

4. Oriens, we called him Oreo. He was a coworker and a great friend of mine. Really left a lasting impression on everyone he met, great workout buddy too. He died a couple years ago. Apparently he was speeding on his motorcycle, hit something in the road, and passed from internal injuries.

Death is just a part of life. Father time is undefeated, and its something that each of us go through. I choose to celebrate life. It's perfectly okay to mourn someone, but never forget the good they did, and the love and happiness they instilled on everyone.
 

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