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Zelda Art Darkness

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CynicalSquid

Swag Master General
Joined
Aug 1, 2012
Location
The End
Gender
Apache Helicopter
(so this is my first fan fic if it's good i'll continue but here you go and thanks for reading)

Chapter One:
I never really liked being in public. I like hanging out with the Dekus in the Lost Woods, but people think I'm a monster because I lurk around in the shadows and they attack me on sight. I go to Hyrule Market sometimes to by some potions and food, but I don't go out that much. I'm a Sheikah, a race that has disappeared from the land of Hyrule. People ask me about my race a lot. I tell them I don't know anything, but they don't believe me and keep aggravating me, that's why I hate people. One day a Deku Scrub told me to read one of the Sheikia Stones in front of the Temple of Time, and there I saw a goddess-like woman. I had never seen beauty like this (and I was raised by Gerudo's). Her red hair, tan skin, her beautiful eyes. I wanted to talk to her, but I was too afraid.
"Did you lose something?" she said. I didn't notice I was staring. I must have made things awkward because I just put my head down and left.
I went back to the Lost Wood and almost crapped myself cause I went the wrong way and turned around, and she was standing right there.
"I'm sorry I followed you but you left your mask at the temple. My name is Din, by the way."
"Oh. uh-um my name is..."
"I'm sorry I didn't hear you name can you speak up."
"It-it's Leon."
"Okay, well bye."
I ran to my house. I had mixed feelings. I didn't know if I wanted to see her again or hide in the woods forever. Why did she follow me here? How did she know that was my mask? It wasn't near me when I saw her. I needed to talk to her...

The next day I went to Hyrule Market to find her but she wasn't there. When I gave up and left, I saw her enter Kakariko Village. When i caught up to her i said "Hey Din."
"Oh, Hello Leon. What are you doing here?" She asked.
"Why did you follow me all the way to the Lost Woods, and how did you know that mask was mine?" I asked.
"Oh, well I saw you enter Hyrule Market with the mask, and I thought you lived in Kakariko and when you passed by it I was curious were you lived. I would have never guessed that you lived in the Lost Wood because I know you are not a Kokiri. Sorry if I spooked you." She explained.
"It's okay your not the scariest thing in the woods." I pointed out.
"Well nice meeting you. I wanna get to know you better. Want to hang out?" She said. At that point I was never more nervous in my life.

Chapter 2

I don't know why I am so nervous. I was the only male growing up. Maybe it's because she is so beautiful. She is also being super nice to me, and I'm not used to that because ever since I ran away from Gerudo Valley I have been attacked because I hide in the shadows. I have never really had a lot of friends.

"Sure, I will hang out with you. Where do you want to go?" I said.

"How about Gerudo Valley?" she asked, "I have never been there."

"I can't, why not Lake Hylia?" I asked her

"Uh, sure…" she said

We left Kakariko and headed towards Lake Hylia. It only took 10 minutes to walk there, but it felt like hours. We didn't talk the whole trip. I was sweating a lot I wanted to run away and cry. When we got to Lake Hylia though, I felt all my worries leave my body. Din and I just sat there by the lake. We didn't talk. I sometimes forgot she was there, but something didn't feel right. She wanted to know more about me, so why isn't she talking to me?

"Hey, why can't you go to Gerudo Valley?" she asked.

"I'm not going to tell you that, it's personal and complicated. I don't like to talk about my past. Don’t take it too personally. You might find it difficult for me to talk about my past." I told her.

"Well I will tell you about myself. I grew up in Hyrule. I had a lot of friends when I was a kid. I really like to explore and I love dancing." she told me.

We were at the lake for hours just talking. We weren't talking about anything important, just talking. I felt like asking her out on a date so I did.

"Hey do you want to, like um…go on a date with me?" I asked her.

She sat there for minutes. I wish I knew what she was thinking about. A lot was going through my head, though. What if I ruined everything? What if she thinks I'm a weirdo now? What if I went too fast? I just met her yesterday, but I really like her. After a few minuets she said "Time will tell." and left. What does that mean? Time will tell if she answers or time will tell if she kills me or not? I need to calm down. I dove into the water. I forgot how much I loved it here. I used to come here a lot. Well, I came here forcefully a lot when the Gerudos would push me off the bridge and play a game out of it. I get bruised 10 points. I break a bone 50 points. If I died the person who pushed me was queen of the Gerudos. I know that's messed up but Gerudos hate guys for some reason.

I went home and didn't leave the woods for a few days. I knew sooner or later I would have to leave before I turned into a skull kid. I needed a new home because the woods were getting more dangerous. I didn't know where to go, but then I realized I could live in the Great Deku Tree.

I noticed it had been weeks since I last saw Din. She said she lived in Kakariko so I headed over there. I knocked on the door, it opened and I heard he scream "LEON!!!!!" she hugged me and wouldn't let go.

"Um, hi" I said

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, WHY WEREN’T YOU AT YOUR HOUSE!?" she sounded really mad

"Um, I moved."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME” I was starting to get scared.

"I'm sorry."

"You know what I'm sorry, but I felt like a jerk when I left you unanswered and thinking you were killed. So the answer is yes, I will go out with you" she seemed really worried about a guy she barely knew.

"You're lucky I didn't kill you though."

"I'm sorry, Din." I was about to cry because she was making me feel really bad.

"Can you at least tell me what is between you and the Gerudos?" she asked

"I will only tell you this. They tortured me, made me their slave, and killed my mother." I told her.

"Oh my goddess, that's terrible no one wonder you hide a lot. You must have hated to be so close to Gerudo Valley when we were at Lake Hylia."

"No, that place has been my comfort zone since my mom died."

"Okay, we should go to Death Mountain. It's a great place."

"Yeah, we should. I have never been there."

We went to Death Mountain; roamed around Goron City, afterwards I met Din's sisters, Farore and Nayru there. They respected my privacy,but I'm pretty sure Din told them about me. Weeks went by and I started to love Din. I wanted to save up rupees to buy her an engagement ring.
When were had her house one night I explained some things for her.

"I have some things to tell you. I was born in Kakariko. My parents didn't want to raise me so they left me on the bridge to Gerudo Valley. A Gerudo woman I refer to as mom took me off the bridge and cared for me. It took 5 years for the others to figure out she was raising me. They publicly killed her and made me their slave and personal entertainer. I ran away a couple of months ago." She then hugged me and then kissed me. I was shocked.

"Din, I love you"

"Oh, Leon I don't know if I love you yet."

"Okay. Do you want to go to the fishing pond?"

"Sure, I love going there!"

We went to the fishing pond and had a lot of fun messing around. We also had fun stealing the fisherman's hat. We went and sat above the Water Temple next to the tree and we talked a little bit.
"Hey Din, I know this is a weird question but can I live with you and you sisters? Monsters are starting to live in the Great Deku Tree."

"Sure we have a room that we don't use."

"Thank you so much."

I moved in and it was great, they didn't really bother me except Din, but Din can bother me whenever she wants. The only problem though, was I think Nayru and Farore were flirting with me, but the only time a women other then Din was flirting with me was the Gerudo saying "Here's your slop, pig!" So they might have just been acting normal.

I got the money for the engagement ring and Din said she loved me 2 weeks after I told her that I loved her. After I bought the ring I went home and no one was there and there was a note with a Gerudo’s handwriting on it.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
You look like you're new to the art of writing, so let me give you a small piece of advice- show, don't tell. I notice you have a lot of characters talking and not much description of the world around them. For all I know, the characters could be doing all of this chatting in a white void. Keep that in mind as you go along, you'll improve by leaps and bounds. :)
 

CynicalSquid

Swag Master General
Joined
Aug 1, 2012
Location
The End
Gender
Apache Helicopter
You look like you're new to the art of writing, so let me give you a small piece of advice- show, don't tell. I notice you have a lot of characters talking and not much description of the world around them. For all I know, the characters could be doing all of this chatting in a white void. Keep that in mind as you go along, you'll improve by leaps and bounds. :)
well the world is based of the oot world so i expected everyone to know what that is
 
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
well the world is based of the oot world so i expected everyone to know what that is

Don't expect anything from your readers. That's a grave mistake a lot of beginner writers make- don't assume we know anything. For all I know, this could be some warped version of Hyrule that I've never seen before.

On the flipside, don't feel too ashamed about this. You're new, and you're going to make mistakes (stumbling and falling is half the fun in life, after all). Description is the meat and potatoes of any good story, and fanfiction is no different, Din. If a story is nothing but people talking, then that's not really a story but a script. Even if this is something you don't feel you should change now, keep it in mind in the future if you decide to continue. :)
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
Alright, I'm going to take some time to touch on as many issues as I can find in your story. In doing this, I hope to help improve your writing. To be completely honest, your writing reminds me of my own when I first started writing. I like to think that my writing has massively improved since then, and I think yours can do exactly the same thing - with some direction, of course. Let's jump right in.

The first issue is your lack of explanations. Let's start with details. You hardly give any. Reading what you said in reply to Lambda, I'll have to reiterate what he said. Act like the reader has no idea what you're talking about. Think of it like you're explaining the Zelda lore to non-gamers. Immerse them in it like your teaching them all about the greatness of Zelda. Show them what makes the Gerudos such a brutal race. I want to know what the protagonist looks like, what makes Din beautiful, and so forth. Paint a mental image in my head, rather than expecting us to have one already.

Next is an issue with character development. You rely on fast forwarding a good amount of time, which keeps your characters from really fleshing out. In order to develop a character, you need to talk about their innermost thoughts, and feelings. It's going to be more than just a single sentence, too. You need to take entire paragraphs to explain the immense feelings he's developed for Din. Make me believe he truly loves her. I can't say I really saw his telling her how he felt coming. It was just thrown out there, randomly. Her response, followed by her proposing to go to the fishing pond, were unrealistic. Think of how a real person would reply to something like that when they don't feel the same.

This takes me to the next part that needs work; emotions. Emotions are key to stories such as the one you are currently writing - a romance. Emotion will help create a good character as well; emotions and character development are directly linked together. To become skilled in one will help the other one prosper. Put a piece of you in your protagonist; what would you do in these situations? What would be going through your mind? How would you feel? Small things like this can make all the difference.

Next is your storytelling in general. As I stated earlier, you fast forward in time constantly - usually during key points. To give an example, Din falling for him should have been led up to it, rather than simply saying what happened. A heartfelt scene would have made it better rather than simply saying she fell in love with him. You need to tell a story like you see in a book, not like you're telling a friend a story. When it comes to storytelling, I stress formal writing - which usually does not mean first-person view, but this kind of story is an exception - and eloquence, but you're still learning. For this reason, you should work with what you have, and just never give up. Storytelling is something that can easily be fixed. I would suggest reading some of the members' on this forum's writing. To give a few good examples, read Shadsie, Lambda, GaroXicon, Thareous, and my writing. I feel that this is the most talented writers here, so their works should help give you an idea. I would be more than happy to provide links if you like.

Next is dialogue. Your dialogue tends to be a bit childish, to be blunt. I think that it shows little emotion, or character development, but is rather bland. Once again, think of how you would reply to these things, or use your favorite characters' style of dialogue as a rubric. I myself have done this dozens of times with my characters. If you don't find a character that you particularly care for, look for quotes said by real people; you may be surprised by how inspiring they can be. I was also bothered by your use of ellipsis. It is very informal to use it, and I think that it should be avoided at all costs. There are plenty of alternatives to using it that make your writing look more professional, and overall better.

Then of course you have terminology. Your terminology ties in with dialogue, so working on both of them are imperative to be successful in writing. Terminology can make your writing look its best; eloquence over simplistic terms will always make your stories shine brighter over others. I've heard of people studying dictionaries to learn new words, and thesauruses to learn alternatives to words they already know. You may want to consider doing this, just so you can have more versatile word choices in your next chapter.

Overall, I think your story needs a good amount work, but I do think that you can get better. It all depends on if you're willing to get better; it will require effort, but the end result is always satisfying.
 

CynicalSquid

Swag Master General
Joined
Aug 1, 2012
Location
The End
Gender
Apache Helicopter
Alright, I'm going to take some time to touch on as many issues as I can find in your story. In doing this, I hope to help improve your writing. To be completely honest, your writing reminds me of my own when I first started writing. I like to think that my writing has massively improved since then, and I think yours can do exactly the same thing - with some direction, of course. Let's jump right in.

The first issue is your lack of explanations. Let's start with details. You hardly give any. Reading what you said in reply to Lambda, I'll have to reiterate what he said. Act like the reader has no idea what you're talking about. Think of it like you're explaining the Zelda lore to non-gamers. Immerse them in it like your teaching them all about the greatness of Zelda. Show them what makes the Gerudos such a brutal race. I want to know what the protagonist looks like, what makes Din beautiful, and so forth. Paint a mental image in my head, rather than expecting us to have one already.

Next is an issue with character development. You rely on fast forwarding a good amount of time, which keeps your characters from really fleshing out. In order to develop a character, you need to talk about their innermost thoughts, and feelings. It's going to be more than just a single sentence, too. You need to take entire paragraphs to explain the immense feelings he's developed for Din. Make me believe he truly loves her. I can't say I really saw his telling her how he felt coming. It was just thrown out there, randomly. Her response, followed by her proposing to go to the fishing pond, were unrealistic. Think of how a real person would reply to something like that when they don't feel the same.

This takes me to the next part that needs work; emotions. Emotions are key to stories such as the one you are currently writing - a romance. Emotion will help create a good character as well; emotions and character development are directly linked together. To become skilled in one will help the other one prosper. Put a piece of you in your protagonist; what would you do in these situations? What would be going through your mind? How would you feel? Small things like this can make all the difference.

Next is your storytelling in general. As I stated earlier, you fast forward in time constantly - usually during key points. To give an example, Din falling for him should have been led up to it, rather than simply saying what happened. A heartfelt scene would have made it better rather than simply saying she fell in love with him. You need to tell a story like you see in a book, not like you're telling a friend a story. When it comes to storytelling, I stress formal writing - which usually does not mean first-person view, but this kind of story is an exception - and eloquence, but you're still learning. For this reason, you should work with what you have, and just never give up. Storytelling is something that can easily be fixed. I would suggest reading some of the members' on this forum's writing. To give a few good examples, read Shadsie, Lambda, GaroXicon, Thareous, and my writing. I feel that this is the most talented writers here, so their works should help give you an idea. I would be more than happy to provide links if you like.

Next is dialogue. Your dialogue tends to be a bit childish, to be blunt. I think that it shows little emotion, or character development, but is rather bland. Once again, think of how you would reply to these things, or use your favorite characters' style of dialogue as a rubric. I myself have done this dozens of times with my characters. If you don't find a character that you particularly care for, look for quotes said by real people; you may be surprised by how inspiring they can be. I was also bothered by your use of ellipsis. It is very informal to use it, and I think that it should be avoided at all costs. There are plenty of alternatives to using it that make your writing look more professional, and overall better.

Then of course you have terminology. Your terminology ties in with dialogue, so working on both of them are imperative to be successful in writing. Terminology can make your writing look its best; eloquence over simplistic terms will always make your stories shine brighter over others. I've heard of people studying dictionaries to learn new words, and thesauruses to learn alternatives to words they already know. You may want to consider doing this, just so you can have more versatile word choices in your next chapter.

Overall, I think your story needs a good amount work, but I do think that you can get better. It all depends on if you're willing to get better; it will require effort, but the end result is always satisfying.
i was gonna delete the thread and edit it but i cant but im editing it right now
 
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