General Art CREEPYPASTA PREVIEW - Super MARIO World

[iDarkLink]

Here is the preview of my new creepypasta idea! Hope you enjoy!

THE FINISHED VERSION IS ALREADY OUT THERE! HERE IS THE LINK!

The Preview
Super MARIO World​

My family and I recentally moved from our home to a rural part of Ohio. We all got settled in and I had a whole roomto myself. The rom was large in size and I could at least fit all my collectables and games in the closet.

As I was finishing up, my dad knocked on my door. He said that his bedroom's closet was full of video game stuff and that I'd probably find something interesting in there.

I followed him to the room and I saw what to me was a glimpse of heaven: a Super Nintendo Entertainment System and some games for it just laying there collecting dust. I went through everything and found a copy of A Link to the Past, Super Punch-Out!!, and Kirby Superstar.

In the back of the closet, though, a game cartridge caught my eye. It was a blank cartridge that had the words "Super MARIO World" over where the cartridge's title art would be.*I thought this would be a great game to play since I've never played that entry in the series. So I took the Super Nintendo and the games back to my room and I connected it to the TV set.

I decided to play the Super MARIO World game first. I plugged the cartridge into the slot and started up the game. The title screen was where it all started. The title words didn't appear and the cutscene of the gameplay was different. The background was a dark, omnious shade of red and Mario's eyes were red. The "©NINTENDO 1991" was different too. It said "©HELL 666"

I, looking for a logical anwser, assumed that this was a hacked game cartridge and the previous owner left it for us as a small gag. I pressed start and began playing. Soon I saw that the overmap screen was changed as well. The water was changed to a bloody red color and looked hyper realistic; the grass part of the map was a dry brown dolor similar to dead grass; and the pathways you walked on were grey.

Still believing this was a gag, I laughed this off and entered Yoshi's House. When the screen faded back, I saw a horrific sight. On the ground was the corpse of a Yoshi. Its nose was ripped in half and hyper realistic blood came from its blank white eyes. I was shocked by this and horrified. Who did this to Yoshi?

I hit the advice block at it said "These markings on the Yoshi's body aren't those of a Koopa.. But of a human's boot.. I wonder who did this." I noticed again that Mario's eyes were red which was still odd. Freaked out, I left the level and returned to the map screen.

End of Preview​

thanks for reading! Please reply your rating (1-10; 1-Sucky, 10-Amazingly Creepy)!
I plan to finish this one! Thanks again!

 

[Raindrop14]

Ooh, I give it a 7. I think more detail would make it more creepy, although the concept is certainly out of the ordinary.

 

[iDarkLink]

Here's a ideas I had about the other games mentioned that the kid found in the pasta (except for Kirby Superstar Ultra)

ALttP - Would've had the story changed completely and is mostly cutscenes.

Super Punch-Out!! - Instead of the the first guy being th first level, its the final guy in the game and when he hits you in the face, your head is knocked clean off. And if its a body hit, your heart stops from the force and you die.

But in the end I chose Super Mario World.

 

[i-am-link]

6/10

The "haunted/cursed cartridge" theme is getting old and cliche. Aside from that, you MUST add more backstory! Stuff to build the creepy vibe; like, instead of saying "I moved into a house and found a cartridge," try "I moved into a house and found a cartridge. I asked the locals if they knew anything about it or its owner, but they seemed a bit hesitant—even afraid—to talk about it. Etc., etc." That would really increase the effect. Also, I personally see hell, 666, blood, red eyes, death, everything, as very cliche and overused. Try to make it feel creepy without using that kind of stuff too much. The last change you should make is to the overall length and flow. It went from "I found this joke cart" to "OMFG IT'S GOING TO KILL ME" in only a few paragraphs. Have the story gradually build up freakiness; use subtle "something's weird" hints at first, go for a bit, then slowly delve into deeper WTF levels.

This is a great piece already, but with some changes, it could become perfect.

 

[iDarkLink]

The "haunted/cursed cartridge" theme is getting old and cliche. Aside from that, you MUST add more backstory! Stuff to build the creepy vibe; like, instead of saying "I moved into a house and found a cartridge," try "I moved into a house and found a cartridge. I asked the locals if they knew anything about it or its owner, but they seemed a bit hesitant—even afraid—to talk about it. Etc., etc."

Great idea.
Sounds like what was used in the BEN DROWNED creepypasta and I'll definately add that. And for backstory, I'll have to think about this.
By the way, when I'm finished, I'll post my brainstorming notes of this pasta, kind of like a view of how the pasta changed.

 

[i-am-link]

Um... Did you even READ the rest?

 

[iDarkLink]

last change you should make is to the overall length and flow. It went from "I found this joke cart" to "OMFG IT'S GOING TO KILL ME" in only a few paragraphs. Have the story gradually build up freakiness; use subtle "something's weird" hints at first, go for a bit, then slowly delve into deeper WTF.

I am doing just that. I didn't think of it being "OMFG ITS GONNA KILL ME" just yet to be honest. It's currentlly at the "O..K..? Wtf is going on..? Is this a sick joke?" area of the pasta.

Thanks for the advice! I'll certianally use your ideas!

Um... Did you even READ the rest?

Yes ^^ sorry i had to hurry finishing the post so i stopped it there but as you can tell i finished the quote and response there :p ~^

 

[MikauIncarnate]

Interesting, but even though you say this is still just at the "sick joke" level it doesn't read that way. It comes across as, "this is hacked and wierd" and then suddenly with the dead Yoshi "what is going on this can't be hacked!" even though it doesn't say that, the excitement level suddenly spikes there. Like I-am-link said, I would build up stuff gradually and also avoid cliches. I would actually, instead of going with what BEN was like, completely not do that at all. In fact I think it would be more refreshing to see a haunted console than a game, or like the actual house is analagous to MARIO world and the character actually ignores the cartridge after the initial "oh this is hacked" and notices the subtle hints in the real world rather than the game. Think of things that are actually unexpected rather than those that would be unexpected but after BEN it's suddenly in every creepypasta, and is therefore no longer unexpected. Get what I mean with those really long-winded confusing sentences about how you're going to die tonight? Okay, now see? Be unexpected, like that.

 

[iDarkLink]

Interesting, but even though you say this is still just at the "sick joke" level it doesn't read that way. It comes across as, "this is hacked and wierd" and then suddenly with the dead Yoshi "what is going on this can't be hacked!" even though it doesn't say that, the excitement level suddenly spikes there.

I shall work on that and change that when I work more on the pasta.

 

[A Link In Time]

This is a decent piece of writing.

It could be improved by varying your sentence structure and strengthening your vocabulary.

Corrections:

My family and I recently moved from our home to a rural part of Ohio. We all settled in. I had a whole room to myself. The room was large in size and allowed me to fit all my collectibles and games in the closet.

As I was finishing up, my dad knocked on my door. He said that his bedroom's closet was full of video game material and that I'd probably find something interesting in there.

I followed him to the room and I saw what to me was a glimpse of heaven: a Super Nintendo Entertainment System and some games for it just laying there collecting dust. I went through everything and found a copy of A Link to the Past, Super Punch-Out!!, and Kirby Superstar.

In the back of the closet, though, a game cartridge caught my eye. It was a blank cartridge that had the words "Super MARIO World" over where the cartridge's title art would be.*I thought this would be a great game to play since I've never played that entry in the series. So I took the Super Nintendo and the games back to my room and I connected it to the TV set.

I decided to play the Super MARIO World game first. I plugged the cartridge into the slot and started up the game. The title screen was where it all started. The title words didn't appear and the cutscene of the gameplay was different. The background was a dark, omnious shade of red and Mario's eyes were red. The "©NINTENDO 1991" was different too. It said "©HELL 666"

I, looking for a logical anwser, assumed that this was a hacked game cartridge and the previous owner left it for us as a small gag. I pressed start and began playing. Soon I saw that the overmap screen was changed as well. The water changed to a bloody red color and looked extremely realistic; the grassy part of the map was a dry brown color similar to dead grass; and the pathways Mario traversed were grey.

Still believing this was a prank, I laughed this off and entered Yoshi's House. When the screen faded back, I saw a horrific sight. On the ground was the corpse of a Yoshi. Its nose was ripped in half and hyper realistic blood came from its blank white eyes. I was shocked by this and horrified. Who did this to Yoshi?

I hit the advice block at it said "These markings on the Yoshi's body aren't those of a Koopa.. But of a human's boot.. I wonder who did this." I noticed again that Mario's eyes were red which was still odd. Freaked out, I left the level and returned to the map screen.

It's not bad but could be further expounded. I'll have my own take on this ready eventually.

 

[i-am-link]

In fact I think it would be more refreshing to see a haunted console than a game, or like the actual house is analagous to MARIO world and the character actually ignores the cartridge after the initial "oh this is hacked" and notices the subtle hints in the real world rather than the game. Think of things that are actually unexpected rather than those that would be unexpected but after BEN it's suddenly in every creepypasta, and is therefore no longer unexpected.

This seems like a great idea.

 

[iDarkLink]

Miaku, it is a great idea to have a haunted console or house, but i just added something more of the ghost/haunted soul in the game haunts the kid as though it was a REAL ghost.. I'll add more on this tomorrow around 5:00PM my time (around now)