Chuck Norris Jokes

[Alter]

I'm praying that this is the place for this to go...

So anyway, post your favorite Chuck Norris jokes here! (And please- keep them appropriate.)

I guess I'll start out.

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books- he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris doesn't use scuba diving equipment; he just holds his breath.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

Chuck Norris was born in a little log cabin he built with his own hands.

When the boogyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep; he waits.

And the list goes on...

 

[Johnny Boy]

Ahh yes, Chuck Norris jokes.
These jokes are all the rage in my school. There's only 3 that I can remember off of the top of my head.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is!

As a young kid, Chuck Norris use to Trick-or-Treat as himself.

Man invented the car to escape from Chuck Norris.
Not to become overpowered...Chuck Norris invented the car crash.

Good times...

 

[UsayEldaZay]

I found some more!

*Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.

*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

*Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

*If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

*Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

*Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

*Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

 

[Master Link]

These are some great jokes. They're also some of the few appropriate ones in today's humor.

I have my favorites.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the Earth down.

If you have a dollar and Chuck Norris has a dollar, he has more money than you.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents when he buys a song.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn't recognize the Periodic Table of the Elements, he only believes in the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.


There's some brain candy there.

 

[Linkmaster]

How's this?:

(sorry, I had the picture already.)

 

[ShellShocker]

Wuahaha! Laugh you heads off at my Chuck Norris jokes... or something.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

 

[Smitie]

Is this Chuck Norris stuff an American thing or something, because I have no idea who you are all talking about D:.

 

[Ver-go-a-go-go]

Is this Chuck Norris stuff an American thing or something, because I have no idea who you are all talking about D:.

Heh, yeah. Chuck Norris is quite popular on this side of the world.

Here's a good one: Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

 

[El Bagu]

I am sorry to say that I can´t add a joke myself, Mr Chuck Norris isn´t mentioned very often in Sweden (where I live) and therefore we don´t have many jokes about him, but I do know who he is :clap: I can understand that such things as Chuck Norris jokes were invented and I appreciate it :clap: I really appreciate this thread and I´ve found myself another good reason to love America :clap: Thank you Alter!

EDIT: I found some,

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there

 

[Welbanks]

Chuck Norris runs so fast that he can run around the Earth and punch himself in the back of the head.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch an episode of 60 minutes.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

 

[Alter]

Come on, Welbanks. Keep it clean.

I've heard a lot of these before, but some of them are real gems. I can't believe I forgot the nightlight and near-death-experience ones.

Do you guys want me to compile them all somewhere?

 

[Linkmaster]

I've heard a lot of these before, but some of them are real gems. I can't believe I forgot the nightlight and near-death-experience ones.

Do you guys want me to compile them all somewhere?

Yes. Yes we do. Or something like that. I think I have a few more jokes, but I need to find them.

 

[chrisbg99]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

The Ultimate Compendium For All Things Chuck Norris.

 

[ShellShocker]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

The Ultimate Compendium For All Things Chuck Norris.

Way to ruin it.
Now we don't need to post any unless we make up some...

Ooh, Chuck Norris is so fast, you can't even see him move.

Ehh... Whatever. -.-

@Smitie: I don't really hear as much Chuck Norris things in Australia as I think they do in America. Or maybe nobody tells me anything... >.>

 

[linkman8]

A couple my friend told me:

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money.

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.