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Chuck Norris Jokes

Big Octo

Jul 2, 2011
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck of a woodchuck was Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't use a coffee maker. He grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water by his pure rage.
If your computer spell-checked Norris, it's probably broken. Not because of internal problems, but because it got roundhouse kicked in the screen.


I play my drum for you
Jan 30, 2011
Tangent Universe
It was once believed that Chuck Norris revolved around the earth. Today we know the opposite is true, and what happened to those fools.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrign was when he thought he was mistaken.
Chucck Norris shavees his beard with a John Deere tractor.


Oct 4, 2010
Some time ago, Chuck Norris went to McDonald's, but they didn't give him breakfast because it was past 10:35. So he flip-punched the restaurant so hard that he turned it into Wendy's.

The Mona Lisa is smiling because she saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi! But he won't tell.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walking and killing.

When Chuck Norris speaks everyone pays attention...... and dies.


Oct 4, 2010
Chuck Norris once went to BK and asked for a Big Mac. And he got one.
Chuck Norris does not get scared at horror movies. The creatures inside scream.
Chuck Norris zodiac sign is Destruction.
Chuck Norris has an aura around him. It dessolves everything around him.
The only time Chuck Norris's tooth fell out was in the time of dinosoars. Chuck Norris never saw dinosoars again.


Sep 1, 2011
Maybe Hyrule...
5. If you misspell Chuck Norris on Google, it does not say "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It says "Run for your like while you still can."
Rytex, I misspelled Chuck Norris's name on google and you were right. Here is proof.
Here are my Chuck Norris jokes.
1. God can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
2. Abraham Lincoln may had freed the slaves, but Chuck is everybody's master.
3. Chuck saves 16% or more instead of 15% when he switches to Geico.
4. When it's Halloween and you say Trick or Treat to Chuck, he tricks you into getting a roundhouse kick treat.
5. When Chuck plays Majora's Mask, he simply roams around Termina on the 4th day.
Aug 2, 2010
Jesus walked on water, and Chuck Norris swam through land.
Chuck Norris wasn't born like a normal baby. He punched his way out of his mother womb.
Chuck Norris can defeat the Elite Four with a Magicarp.
Chuck Norris can put toothpaste back in the tube.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.


Jul 2, 2010
Um... in front of my compooter
I got a few
chuck norris is so awesome his car doesn't run on gas, it runs on his awesomeness
when chuck norris came to the Dragon ball z world, everyone there went into hiding in the other world
chuck norris cuts off his beard and uses it to make bullet proof vests and his beard grows back instantly
chuck norris' beard is so god like that it can manifest a hand to punch people
chuck norris won the world series of poker using pokemon cards


Japanese Wannabe
Sep 4, 2011
British Columbia, Canada
- Chuck Norris once went skydiving, he swore never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
- Chuck Norris' fists makes tachyon look slow.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
- Adolf Hitler didn't hide in a bunker because he was scared of a resistance, he hid because he heard of Chuck Norris' birth.


Resident Netizen
May 10, 2010
Random house in Texas.
Chuck Norris' Keyboard has no control key because he is always in control.
Chuck Norris' Keyboard has no alternate key because with him, there's no alternative.
Chuck Norris' Keyboard has no delete key because Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Contrary to popular belief, Neil Armstrong wasn't the first man on the moon. Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee were. This explains why there are tons of craters there.
There is no theory of evolution. There is just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
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