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General Art Brethren of the Blade Chapter 1 and 2

The Jade Fist

Kung Fu Master
Joined
Jul 17, 2012
disclaimer :My writings are not meant to be crude, but there might be some instances of language or violence usage, that are in line with the depicted characters or relevant to the plot. PG -13 as a general guideline, although such things are pretty minimal.

Some of my older work i want to go back and flush out and expand on, Comments / criticism and all that what not is welcome on anything you feel i can do to improve.

This is one of those actual novels i wanted to write. I actually wrote this a few years back, and want to get back into writing.

Edit: Some of the font styling was lost in transition. Some things are supposed to be Italicized to represent internal thought. I'll correct this shortly, as i reread thru it myself.

Not a fan fiction. This is an original fiction. Trying to remain serious but humorous on the same note. Loosely based on some friends from college, at least some of the characters were inspired by their personality and image. Many are strictly original or other wise based on loosely real people.

Actually I think wrote this in 08, I wanted to always finish it and rough out some of the fine edges.

A level of mixture of comedy/ seriousness would be about I guess if you've seen star gate SG-1, kinda that level of mixed humour depending on the character, not all are as crazy as "the master", he is how ever good at rubbing off on people.

My deviant art page has some of the other resources I'm trying to work with here, I sadly lost some of the character background information I had, especially regarding the Alphonse Character.

If any one is interested can look over my journal entries, http://thejadefist.deviantart.com/journal/
Its all pretty random and in the order of what i've recovered, some files may just be gone gone after so long that I have no hope of finding them.

Character Bios:

Johnathan , Insert random last name, Master, formerly known as Foudre Bleu, and formerly known as the fastest blade alive
Description:
Height 6'
Hair : White, originally brown, long -shoulder length
Eyes: Blue
Age apox 60 when the story begins.
Elder Gentleman, who is great physical shape despite his age. Mentally questionable. Strong sense of honor.
His weapon style is 2 straight blades, short sword length, solid wooden handles and no hand guards on the blades. Even at his edge and far from his peek, he's still frightfully fast compared to most men.

Fox
Description:
Height 6' 2''
Hair : Orange short and curly.
Eyes: Blue
Age apx 16 at the time of initiation
Young Slender man, stealthy, confusing and oblivious in conversations. Can be serious, but mostly easy going and joking, oddly vacant mind at times, and often wanders off out of sight with out explanation or warning. Metal working skills, and skilled with throwing knives. Extremely intelligent individual.
Fighting style, assassin, throwing knives, cross bow, daggers. Good at moving around unnoticed.
Animal Sign : viper

Eris McCloud
Height: 5' 6''
Eyes: Brown
Age apx 17 at the time of initiation
Short stalky and muscular. Also very intelligent, but even in the face of certain death, he can't remain serious. He left his boring life as a church boy, for a more interesting life, for that sake he became a highway theif. He can be extremely annoying, much to the dismay of team mates, and any one who fights him.
Fighting style, Shield /bow and short sword, with an awkward mix of grappling moves. Wears heavy armor most of the times (mostly later on when he gets his special suit crafted) (His blade and arrows are both poison tipped, also later on)
Animal Sign: Golden Wolf

Alphonse
Height: 6' 5''
Age apx 20 at time of initiation
Tall muscular Germanic noble man. Mostly serious, some times can crack a smile, and happy when he some what alleviates the Eris is annoying problem. Semi sadistic individual, and although hard to make angry, its best not to.
Fighting style, Alphonse doesn't conform to a single weapon style, and is proficient in many forms and often switches it up for the sake of variety, and what the situation allows.
Animal Sign: Bear

Ezekiel
Height : 7' 6''
Age apx 25 at the beginning of the story
An extremely tall and gaunt man. A super genius, specializes in chemistry, toxins, anatomy and medicines. He's extremely inventive. Scary lack of ethics when it comes to his research methods. As well scary to any one who works around him. Non the less his mind makes him an invaluable asset to the Brethren.
Fighting style, mostly non combatant, how ever he does design and employ powder bombs with various effects, ranging to pepper powder, to knock out powder, to lethal poisons, mostly uses his pepper bombs, due to their cheaper cost to make.
Animal Sign: Scorpion

“There are two fundamental differences between glory and honor. Honor is a personal opinion of yourself. Glory is the opinion of others and history. When you die will you be remembered in glory or infamy, or will you even be remembered at all. Though your honor adds to how glorious you appear to those around you or those that hear of you, there are many things that in the end add to glory. Is it by following some code of behavior, or is by the deeds you preformed, how rich you were, how many you’ve killed, how many you saved, or is it by something that man can’t really understand but be only caught up in. Though one thing can be certain it’s determined by your deeds, and the significance of those deeds on others” the old man said as he handed a fine piece of parchment rolled up, and a feather pen to the three men before him. “In all things that you do, remember how they will reflect upon you one day”

Eris reached out with hands shaking to grab the contract. He removed the piece of leather that had the paper bound. At the top, as a design that resembled a gem, drawn as double octagons one in side the other and the corners of the inner and outer connected by lines, and a triangle in side the inner octagon that pointed down, and inside that triangle was a cross. To the right of it laid “for glory and profit” in small letters, above in large letters, “We are the Brethren of the Blade”.
Eris’ hands still shook as his eyes slowly followed the page down. The body of the page recited the Brother’s Creed
“We are the Brethren of the Blade, for glory and profit, Each brother to his station with out fail. Your brothers’ lives are more important then your own. A brother is loyal to his brothers. We will have no surviving enemies. A brother is a brother always. We are the Brethren of the Blade, for glory and profit this is our way of life.”
The old man speaks, “ By signing your agree fully, to live and die by this creed, if you do not live up to the creed you will not live at all.”
“Comforting”
“This contract is a blood contract, and the pen I gave you is sharp, you figure it out.”
After using the pen to cut his finger, he signed his name, and handed it to Fox, a tall skinny red headed young man, who then in turn signed it and gave it to Alphonse, a larger dark headed and muscular man with a small mustache and small beard, who signed and handed it back to the old man.


A few years earlier:

Spanish Rain

The sweet beautiful Spanish rain falls without a cloud in the sky, it flows in the street, it moistens the flowers in the gardens, it seeps thru the rooftops, it soaks even the most beautiful and expensive garments, it washes away the old, it dies my hands red, it quenches the thirst of my blade, it fills my stock with gold, gold and red how beautiful the sight, how sweet the smell, May this storm last forever.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Hola senior…?”

“You can call me,” pausing slightly as he tried to remember the identity he was assuming, “Harris if you like” replied the old man dressed in a black cloak.

“Senior Harris, uno momento pour favor,” said the attendant, before he disappeared into the chamber behind him.

Kinda dusty in here, but I like the new floor tiles, changed since I’ve last been here, oh a spider in the corner with an egg sack, they are defiantly going to have a spider problem in a few days.

Looking around for a way to reach the spider, the old man moved a wooden chair at the end of the hallway to the corner near the door. A 2nd attendant left at the door watched in curiosity. “Harris” removed one of his shoes and climbed up the chair in an attempted to rid his client of their spider problem. He struggled to reach but he not quite able to.

Hmm… I’ll jump for it

Harris readies himself for the jump, bending his knees slightly, gauging just how far to jump, cautiously aiming the shoe in his left hand in advance as he places his right hand against the wall, steadily… and the jump…

“Ah Senior Harris” abruptly and affirmatively said the attendant as they returned “his mag…is…ty…” attempting to jump Harris kick the chair out from under himself and hit his face against the wall, “ Will see you now… umm what were you doing?”

“Spider” pointing toward the spider in the corner.

“So it is, now leave the thing alone and come this way, it seams you were expected, and the King does not like to be made to wait.”

Harris follows the attendant while wiping the blood off his face from where hit the wall. He is lead into a well lighted room with a red and gold themed drapes, and white and blue marble stone tiles, with a red carpet with about a dozen guards on either side, plus 2 guards adjacent on both sides of the throne that the carpet lead to.

“Ah senior Harris, long time no see my friend” said the king as he extended both rather strong arms out and hugged him excessively.

“Please, let go, I’m not as young as I used to be” with an exaggerated look of pain and rasp voice.

“Neither am I, I’m afraid” releasing Harris

“Or as well built, but you you’re fa-” all the gaurds reach in unison for the swords “fantastically slim as always and your beard I like what you’ve done with it”

“Ahhh..! you, I almost thought you were going to call me fat in which case I would have to kill you”

“Hence why I didn’t say it”

“So what you’re saying I’m fat”

“No, no I’m not”

“Don’t lie to me”

“I’m not lying, I didn’t say that”

“Say what?”

“Say your other wise then my description stated before”

“Ahh..! I try to trick you” said in his eager voice waving his finger in quick upwards motion, “but you didn’t fall for it, what’s this blood on your face for, did my men give you a hard time getting in here, if so I can have them flogged for you”

“Oh no, I just fell that’s all”

“Are you sure, even if they didn’t, you know just for a show I could still, you know”

“No that’s perfectly alright, although I only fell cause that attendant startled me”

“The one that lead you in here?” in a concerned sounding voice, “Consider him flogged!” with a quick left hook into the air and elated voice.

“Well if you insist, now down to business” Harris shifting his tone from friendly to serious, “why have you sent for me.”

“Ah, senior Harris” the king lowers his voice as well to a more personal and more serious tone, “You see it’s a matter of family honor. I do not wish to go into details as it boils my blood every time I think about it.” Clinching his left fist, and quivering slightly “I want them dead, and I don’t’ want them see it coming, I want to be slow and painful, not slow as in a few hours slow, I want it slow and agonizing and debilitating, I want his death to last months I want him to hate every minute of it. As this is a more personal matter I do not wish to bring about the full vengeance of a military campaign as well there is a good chance they’d end up killing him in a manner not worthy of my vengeance. I want that ******* to see his family around him dying, I want him to loose everything while slowly dying a horrible death” Red face and teary eyed he continues, “John will help me?”

“Of course, when I have ever refused a job from you?”

“No matter who it is?”

“For you my friend, it does not matter who, umm who exactly are we mad at?”

“That French pig Louis, pathetic excuse of a king and a man, I will have my own men working on exacting my revenge on his family, I entrust the main task to you, because of your associates’ expertise in the field of poison crafting. I want a poison that will make a man deathly sick but not kill him, at first, I want him to get gradually worse and worse, he will die a horrible death as his family is murdered and he will not even know what is happening or who is doing it. I know you of all people can make this happen.”

“A king is not going to be cheap, and the abnormal form of death is going to take a while to procure a toxin of your qualifications, although I do believe I know who to see on the matter, if such a toxin is possible surely he would know. Ugh” places his hand on forehead and rubs for a second as he pauses and thinks. “Alright I want gold as usual, for this I’m going to charge an upfront charge just on the research ten thousand pieces, after confirming it is indeed with in my power to make this happen, I will ask for another large payment 40 percent of which I want up front and 60 after the toxin has been delivered, I have to see what the toxin takes and if it can be delivered in one dose and still do what we need it to, if it requires multiple doses, that means more risk to my men having to go back and give new doses and more chance of being exposed.”

The king looks on, and nods his head

“So, is it a deal?” extending his hand

Taking in a deep breath, closing his eyes and nodding, he reaches out and shakes Harris’s extended hand, “ Si, You set a high price just on research but you’ve proven yourself in the past. It is a deal my friend.”

Harris bows his head toward the king, turns and leaves the room.

Oh ya! That’s the pay off I’ve been looking for, oh I know, I’ll use my cloak


As he returns to the hall way he pulls of his cloak and whips it the spider in the corner as it falls to the ground he stomps his foot at it will all his might, creating an impressive thump noise and pain in his shin.

YES, oww

“The King wants to see you” Harris informed the attendant as he walked off.

Chapter 1

Leaving the palace the old man looked up at the sky smiled, as the birds chirped and the wind blew slightly carrying the scent of spring. Spanish rain, I like the sound of that he thought as he climbed up onto his mighty white steed with a coat so pure of white only beaten by his own hair. Need to head London, first off I’m stopping by the Normandy Keep

Smashing his feet in wards on the horses gut “He-Ya!”, and like lightning the magnificent beast stampeded forwards down the road. Clickclaclak Clickclaclak “AHHHH…AHHHHHH!” echoed over the town as loud screams of pain came from the castle. The old man grinned as heard the screams knowing it was the attendant’s, he kept on riding, as his horse continued its pattering noise on the stone streets with no sign of weakening.

He rode for three weeks till he reached a keep hidden in the forests just south of Normandy, only stopping to rest during the nights.

“Good Job Snowflake” as he patted her beautiful head, and dismounted.

Nestled in the forest dug into a hill lays a well-hidden fortress. With only Its front gates visible, no particular path or trail leading towards it. The gate itself made out to appear like a stone tomb with coble stone stacked in an arch with a large stone covering the opening, engraved on the left side on one of the stones “We humans can not escape war, here lays the remains of a man who believed in peace, but he believed in duty above all things, killed in the flames of war by the sword of a Muslim at the gates of Jerusalem, my brother Jon Pierre Cristelle. 1158 – 1191”.

The old man reached around the right side and pulled a handle hidden in bushes and extending slightly out of the rock. “Erh konk” the sound a latch releasing and the stone swung open slightly on the right side. He finished swinging the stone open with ease as it was hinged on the inside, grabbed Snowflakes reigns and lead her inside closing the entry behind him.

After a short walk thru a dark and damp stone hallway lit only by the light at the end, he comes to the secondary walls in the shape of a half circle made of brown and tan stacked stone with its back against a solid wall of earth, with double door style iron gate the size of about 3 men wide. Above is open sky and surrounding the keep tons of earth, not much higher then 10 foot tall gates with a space of at least 30 feet from the edge of the walls to the earth barrier in front of it. The back of the keep is a decent sized triple tower protruding slightly out of the flat and smooth rock face. The hill behind the keep was very difficult to climb as it was plus the keep itself gave no evidence to its location leading no one to care to climb the hill. Any one climbing to the top would have to worry about a 40-foot drop if they were to try to enter the keep from behind, but cautiousness has always been an attribute of the Brethren. Several traps were set up in the hills near the keep to make sure no uninvited visitors show up or find the keep and live to report its location.

He approached the gates and knocked with his hand not holding the reigns. Thru a crack in the stones next to the gate peered suspecting eyes.

“Master, you’ve returned, I hope your trip proved profitable” said a voice coming from the stones, “Hold on I’ll open the gate for you.” And he began to turn a heavy crank, clanging and clattering.

“Thanks Terry” as he walked thru the still opening doors. “Poor girl, I’m tired and you’re the one who was doing all the work,” he whispered to his horse “how tired you must be”. The old man went directly to the stables, located to the right of the gates approximately 100 feet. Set her to rest in her stall, “Goodnight Snowflake, rest up we have places to be soon.”

After the stables he sets towards the center tower. Opens the doors to the tower and turns left and enters a library with books and scrolls from all around the known world, from deserts to frozen wastes, from the Christian world to the Buddhist world, this library had it all. But he was not after anything historical or cultural, he went to a desk in the back and pulled out a large leather bound book.

Ah the good book what would I do with you. He opened the book and searched thru it till he found an entry about a man named Ezekiel. I wouldn’t be able to handle keeping track of this many contacts without you. Pulled a spare piece of stationary from a stack on the corner of the desk. Ahh damn it it’s starting to get dark. Reaches for the lamp he keeps on the desk, only to find there is no oil. I’ll have to just do this in the morning, I could have sworn there was oil when I left. The old man went about back to the hall way at the end climbed some stairs to the top of the tower to find a soft bed waiting for him. A good nights rest to get rid of this shaking feeling in my body from the ride.

In impressive speed removed all his clothes and leaped into the air spiraling on to his bed, curling up with his a large blue soft comforter, quickly falling asleep in the warm spring air blowing in from the window across his bare ***.

Chapter 2

The smell of eggs and fresh bread covers the dinning hall, a large stone room with 3 rows of windows along the wall. In the back of the dinning hall was the kitchen, a miniature building with in the tower, with an open roof and a large slanted piece of metal over the top facing the opening. The metal reflected light into the kitchen from the windows from sun up to sun down. The hall was less then it’s busiest and it’s dozens of wooden tables were empty except a few closer to the kitchen.

A young blonde man with short hair was eating his eggs and talking amongst his teammates.

“How many more days must we wait until the old guy gets back?”

“I don’t know, but I’m starting to get bored here,” replied a short Englishman sitting with him.

“Oh, he got in last night actually,” interrupted some one from the adjacent table.

“Really?”

“Ya”

“Thanks mate”

“No problem” he sighs, “I got to get back to the gate now, why do I have to be the one stuck doing it”

“We all do it, every now and then its not that bad”

“If you ask me its bloody boring” said the Englishman.

“I know just wait there all damn day in the off chance some one comes by, well I got to get going, I wish my team would get assigned a mission so we could get out here.”

“See ya after breakfast Paul, I’m going to see the master now.”

“Later Kane”

Kane rushes off to the library hoping to catch the master. Not here, I wonder if that old fart is in his tower. He then rushes up the stairs and bursts into the masters room.

“MASTER YOU’RE ah…ah naked” turning his head away after gazing upon the old mans body laying on top of his covers, “ah… ya maybe this can wait a few minutes, at least for you to get dressed.

“What no breakfast in bed? You coming running here blasting the door open and shouting and you don’t even have food with you. You know you could knock next time.”

“My apologies, I was eager to hear you were back and wanted to talk to you about Rome. Me and my team want to go.”

“You know we can’t spare the men”

After several minutes of discussing the matters:

“Alright your team can go, I understand why you feel you need to go, without a man’s honor what good is that man.”

“Thank you master” still keeping his head turned.

“By the way I’ve been dressed for a while now”

“I know its just your face” trying to hide his smirk

“….Just get the hell out of here”

Kane leaves rather pleased that the master approved his request.

I hate being woke up, but today it alright since I need to get going to London. First off I need to know where in London I’m going, Ezekiel has a new shop that I haven’t been to yet.

He hastefully finished getting dressed and rushed down the stairs to library. After a quick look at the instructions left on the profile about Ezekiel to his new shop, he copies them down on the piece of parchment left on the desk. He looks over at the lamp again. Huh? Now its full of oil, maybe I’m just going mad in my old age. Knocking the lamp on the floor with his hand as he is startled by a voice.

“Master good to see you again” said a tall tan skinned man, with short black brown hair.

“Manal, how you been?”

“Alright I suppose.”

“Hmm” looking sideways avoiding eye contact “I suppose I should get going, time is money.”

“Well, I’ll talk to you later then I guess, may Allah smile upon your journey.”

“And may god’s good grace bless yours” said the old man with a mild smirk.

“…..” stared Manal with a slightly annoyed face.

“Well I really haven’t time to waste I’ll be back in a few weeks probably”

The master once again sets off on his horse, towards the coast. And after a rather non-eventful journey across the channel he reaches London.

Staring off at the town from the side of the ship, he takes in a large whiff of air, full of the sent of smoke, rotting wood, water, and that certain distinctness that human waste in the streets brings to larger cities. I dislike large cities, more or less for the smell then anything. The ship slowed, was tied down, and the gangplank lowered. Head held high, he walked down the ramp.

As his foot touched the gray old wood of the dock, it made a deep creaking noise. *clank creak clank creak clank* As he walked down the dock. It’s going to rain today Looking up at the gray sky he thought, pausing half way down the pier.
spanishrainlogo.jpg
The wind was furiously blowing his long white hair to his left side, along with his hood and long black cape with a pointed bottom that’s went to just above his knees. Only the bottom half of his cape was being beaten around by the wind because of his two grayish blue thin sheathes criss-crossed on his back were held tightly in place by leather straps of the same bluish gray color. On his back, one can see between gusts of wind a double octagon in colors matching the sheathes with a downwards triangle in the middle with words written around the out side, because the horizontally center portion of the image was on his hood as it formed a crisp triangle when not bothered by the wind to reveal this pattern. A wavy cross with a white outline’s horizontal section stretched a crossed his chest and its vertical section all the way down to his waist. His nearly skintight black fabric pants were unaffected by the strong breeze. His light cloth boots and leather gloves were also the same bluish gray as his sheathes and insignia. His face has been scared by many years of fighting with various other nicks and cuts, with 3 major scares standing out the most, one being on a crossed his forehead, another one going crossed right cheek noise and just past his left eye, and the third from his forward going down a crossed his left eye. His eyes are light opal blue and a gaze that can seam to stare thru everything. He has a long clean shaven face, and stands at about 6 feet tall with still well skinny defined abs clearly visible thru his tight clothing.

Hmm… where to? He reached for a piece of paper nested inside a pocket on his right side of his pants and looks at it. Of course he’d be all the way a crossed town. Returning the paper to his pocket he continues to walk down the pier.

“STOP THEIF!!” a man yelled down the street.

The old man turned his head to look, reaching with his right hand for one of his blades, barely in time to see a young red headed boy about 14 years old running past him, holding a piece of fruit. A starving thief deserves more pity then he does punishment, especially when he’s just a child, he thought releasing his hand from his blade.

The young boy was running down the street nearly empty street after a while he stopped and looked back, relieved to find no one following him. In an instant the skies poured open, with what seamed like a falling river. He walked down between 2 buildings, till he found a fence flush with the back of the buildings, and he sat down with his knees in front of his face in the corner, and ate the fruit. Despite the rain pouring down, and that he was alone it was the best fruit he could ever remember tasting. After he had finished he wrapped his arms around his knees and put his head down.

The door in front of him opened with a rather loud creek, enough to be clearly heard over the noise of the rain. A large middle aged man with hands covered in suit emerged and looked around, taking a big breath with a smile on his face.

“It looks you aren’t enjoying the rain as much as I do” said the man looking over at the child, “I came out here cause I heard it was raining and wanted to cool down, shouldn’t you be at home or something”

“….” Looking up at the man with no response other then a sad stare

“What’s your name kid? I’m David”
 
Last edited:
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Okay, I had a chance to read through it, and here are some of my thoughts on it:

  • You have a lot of dialogue. Dialogue in and of itself isn't bad, but a story shouldn't be just two people talking back and forth. I think there needs to be less talking and more acting.
  • There are a lot of places where you're missing periods and other punctuation. While this many not bother other people, I think you should go back and read through this, then correct these errors.
  • There was some description. I liked this a lot; world building is one of the most important facets of story writing. I would like to see more of this.
  • Space out your paragraphs more. Without either spacing or paragraph indentation, it's hard to pick apart your paragraphs, especially in the beginning. While I saw you got better with this as time went on, it is also something you should go back and look at.
  • You put your story logo in a strange place. Might want to move that to the top of the OP.

Other than these things, you have a good start. I don't see a lot of Spanish in written works, so that was nice. This kind of feels like you have a Wild West vibe to that. Is that what you were going for? In any case, keep what I said here in mind, and don't stop writing. :)
 

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