Link Floyd
ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵘⁿ
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2014
Episode 1 - Zelda's Armpit Hair
My name is Revali. Welcome to the land of Hyrule. 100 years ago, a foul spider-like creature that can also transform into a dog-pig hybrid cast its evil spell across the land by taking a giant **** on our wonderous villages and cities. After our initial clean up, we had found that most of our settlements had been wiped away and that vile creature had taken up residence at our beloved castle.
Now it is 100 years later, and the **** of the creature, as he became to be known as Calamity Ganon, still covers various parts of the land, just waiting to suck you in and suffocate you with it's stench and evilness.
My comrades and I have all passed away, but we took on a spirit form and can only be seen by our dear friends, Link and Zelda.
I would introduce you to everyone, but I think it would be best to take you through the significant days that occured 100 years ago, so you shall understand our story to the fullest.
Shall we begin?
-----------------------------
The sun was high in Hateno village, and so were we. Daruk, the Goron drug dealer and our close personal friend, had just gotten the rarest of Hyrulian mushrooms. He liked to mix them up with some Goron spice for the best results, and man...we were baked on that hot summer afternoon.
"**** man, I don't think I could ever find shrooms like this, even in the deepest parts of the Faron reigon!" Link exclaimed as he snorted another line of Monster extract.
"Amazing, isn't it? Now I can finally relax..." Daruk replied.
"Want some, girl?" Link asked our fishy friend, Mipha.
Mipha and Link always had sexual tension between them, which was odd considering one was Hylian and the other was some kind of fish lady. I've always had this theory that Link had a closet animal fetish, since he likes to ride Lynels and ****, but I don't know. That's just me.
"Sorry I'm late! Daruk, whatchu got for me today?" our friend Urbosa shouted as she came through Link's front door.
Urbosa had quite the rack. She was the cat's meow back in Gerudo town. Too bad they don't allow men there, and I have this feeling that Urbosa doesn't swing that way anyway.
"Where's Zelda?" she asked.
"Oh, we sent her off to fight Ganon," Link explained.
"All by herself?"
"Yeah."
There was a long moment of silence. Urbosa then sat down and snorted her first line of monster extract for the day.
"Oh ****," Link said suddenly.
"What is it, young Hyrulian knight?" I asked.
"I needed to get some materials in order to stuff my dead pet Lynel, Murray. If I don't do it soon, I'll have to bury him."
"Frowny face," Mipha sighed, touching Link's shoulder.
"What should I do?" Link asked us.
We all looked at each other, our eyes bloodshot and droopy.
"Hmmm..." Daruk began. "Remember that old story that Zelda used to tell us?"
"You mean the one about the time she went in the royal bathroom after her father and found a dead rodent eating crap in the toilet?" Link asked.
"No not that one," Daruk said. "The one about the legendary bow of light, and the light arrows."
"Oh yeah," we all said in unison.
"What about it?" Link asked.
"Isn't the material made from the hair of the goddesses?" Daruk mentioned.
Urbosa nodded. "Yes, it is considered to be the strongest material known to man. That is, if it actually exists."
"So if Zelda is the goddess Hylia like she claims she is," I began. "Wouldn't her hair be just as strong?"
"**** man, we can't be cutting off our homegirl Zelda's hair. That ***** be ugly bald," Link commented.
"Well what if we used hair from another part of her body?" I suggested.
"Like...pubes?"
"Ew, get your mind out of the gutter. I mean like...hmmm..."
"I got it!" Mipha exclaimed. "But you guys have to keep this a secret."
"What is it?" Link asked.
"Zelda is kind of a feminist, so she never shaves. She says she wants to 'make a statement' or something like that. But that's besides the point. I think we could use this to our advantage." Mipha explained.
"So what do we need to do in order to pull this off?" I asked.
"Well first of all we need to head towards the desert, where she's fighting off Ganon. Someone will need to distract him. And then someone will need to distract her while I clip some of her armpit hairs so we get just enough to stuff Link's Lynel."
"Oh Murray, you were such a faithful steed," Link remembered fondly, as he began to tear up.
"It's okay man, here, have another line of Goron spice," Daruk comforted.
Suddenly Link jumped up from his chair.
"Come on gang! Let's get this stuffing!" he shouted, running out the door. Suddenly, he came back in.
"Mipha, saddle, now." he said, snapping his fingers.
So we had made it to the desert. Urbosa flew on my back (and boy was that sexy as ****), Daruk rolled there, and Link rode Mipha on his special saddle. (Don't ask.)
"Zelda! It's me, Linky-poo! Your husbando!" Link yelled as Zelda shot another light arrow at the giant spider form of Ganon.
"Link! You came!" she cheered, all posh and Britishy.
"HIIIIIIII-YAAAH!" Link exclaimed, throwing a stick at Ganon. It broke immediately.
"You need to use the Master-"
"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, *****!" Link interrupted Zelda, pulling out another stick.
Daruk rolled up as Zelda's distraction.
"So Zelda, I was wondering, do you prefer yourself to be hairy or bald?" he asked, insensitively.
"What?" Zelda said, as Mipha ran behind her with a bucket and a pair of scissors.
"Here comes the TICKLE MONSTER!" Daruk shouted as he began to tickle Zelda. She giggled and lifted her arms to push Daruk away, and Mipha snipped just enough for Link's deceased Lynel.
Mipha signaled Link to stop throwing sticks at Ganon.
"Okay well it was nice helping you, princess! Good luck with the rest!" Link exclaimed, jumping on Mipha and riding off into the sunset.
"Well, my work here is done," Daruk stated, rolling off behind Link and Mipha. Urbosa headed back to Gerudo town, while Zelda stood there awkwardly. Even Ganon was confused by the series of events.
"Revali?" she said, looking at me with puppy dog eyes.
I let out a long sigh. "Nah."
And with that, I took off into the great blue sky, fantasizing about Urbosa's undergarments, preparing myself for the fun I would be having later that night in my bathroom.
My name is Revali. Welcome to the land of Hyrule. 100 years ago, a foul spider-like creature that can also transform into a dog-pig hybrid cast its evil spell across the land by taking a giant **** on our wonderous villages and cities. After our initial clean up, we had found that most of our settlements had been wiped away and that vile creature had taken up residence at our beloved castle.
Now it is 100 years later, and the **** of the creature, as he became to be known as Calamity Ganon, still covers various parts of the land, just waiting to suck you in and suffocate you with it's stench and evilness.
My comrades and I have all passed away, but we took on a spirit form and can only be seen by our dear friends, Link and Zelda.
I would introduce you to everyone, but I think it would be best to take you through the significant days that occured 100 years ago, so you shall understand our story to the fullest.
Shall we begin?
-----------------------------
The sun was high in Hateno village, and so were we. Daruk, the Goron drug dealer and our close personal friend, had just gotten the rarest of Hyrulian mushrooms. He liked to mix them up with some Goron spice for the best results, and man...we were baked on that hot summer afternoon.
"**** man, I don't think I could ever find shrooms like this, even in the deepest parts of the Faron reigon!" Link exclaimed as he snorted another line of Monster extract.
"Amazing, isn't it? Now I can finally relax..." Daruk replied.
"Want some, girl?" Link asked our fishy friend, Mipha.
Mipha and Link always had sexual tension between them, which was odd considering one was Hylian and the other was some kind of fish lady. I've always had this theory that Link had a closet animal fetish, since he likes to ride Lynels and ****, but I don't know. That's just me.
"Sorry I'm late! Daruk, whatchu got for me today?" our friend Urbosa shouted as she came through Link's front door.
Urbosa had quite the rack. She was the cat's meow back in Gerudo town. Too bad they don't allow men there, and I have this feeling that Urbosa doesn't swing that way anyway.
"Where's Zelda?" she asked.
"Oh, we sent her off to fight Ganon," Link explained.
"All by herself?"
"Yeah."
There was a long moment of silence. Urbosa then sat down and snorted her first line of monster extract for the day.
"Oh ****," Link said suddenly.
"What is it, young Hyrulian knight?" I asked.
"I needed to get some materials in order to stuff my dead pet Lynel, Murray. If I don't do it soon, I'll have to bury him."
"Frowny face," Mipha sighed, touching Link's shoulder.
"What should I do?" Link asked us.
We all looked at each other, our eyes bloodshot and droopy.
"Hmmm..." Daruk began. "Remember that old story that Zelda used to tell us?"
"You mean the one about the time she went in the royal bathroom after her father and found a dead rodent eating crap in the toilet?" Link asked.
"No not that one," Daruk said. "The one about the legendary bow of light, and the light arrows."
"Oh yeah," we all said in unison.
"What about it?" Link asked.
"Isn't the material made from the hair of the goddesses?" Daruk mentioned.
Urbosa nodded. "Yes, it is considered to be the strongest material known to man. That is, if it actually exists."
"So if Zelda is the goddess Hylia like she claims she is," I began. "Wouldn't her hair be just as strong?"
"**** man, we can't be cutting off our homegirl Zelda's hair. That ***** be ugly bald," Link commented.
"Well what if we used hair from another part of her body?" I suggested.
"Like...pubes?"
"Ew, get your mind out of the gutter. I mean like...hmmm..."
"I got it!" Mipha exclaimed. "But you guys have to keep this a secret."
"What is it?" Link asked.
"Zelda is kind of a feminist, so she never shaves. She says she wants to 'make a statement' or something like that. But that's besides the point. I think we could use this to our advantage." Mipha explained.
"So what do we need to do in order to pull this off?" I asked.
"Well first of all we need to head towards the desert, where she's fighting off Ganon. Someone will need to distract him. And then someone will need to distract her while I clip some of her armpit hairs so we get just enough to stuff Link's Lynel."
"Oh Murray, you were such a faithful steed," Link remembered fondly, as he began to tear up.
"It's okay man, here, have another line of Goron spice," Daruk comforted.
Suddenly Link jumped up from his chair.
"Come on gang! Let's get this stuffing!" he shouted, running out the door. Suddenly, he came back in.
"Mipha, saddle, now." he said, snapping his fingers.
So we had made it to the desert. Urbosa flew on my back (and boy was that sexy as ****), Daruk rolled there, and Link rode Mipha on his special saddle. (Don't ask.)
"Zelda! It's me, Linky-poo! Your husbando!" Link yelled as Zelda shot another light arrow at the giant spider form of Ganon.
"Link! You came!" she cheered, all posh and Britishy.
"HIIIIIIII-YAAAH!" Link exclaimed, throwing a stick at Ganon. It broke immediately.
"You need to use the Master-"
"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, *****!" Link interrupted Zelda, pulling out another stick.
Daruk rolled up as Zelda's distraction.
"So Zelda, I was wondering, do you prefer yourself to be hairy or bald?" he asked, insensitively.
"What?" Zelda said, as Mipha ran behind her with a bucket and a pair of scissors.
"Here comes the TICKLE MONSTER!" Daruk shouted as he began to tickle Zelda. She giggled and lifted her arms to push Daruk away, and Mipha snipped just enough for Link's deceased Lynel.
Mipha signaled Link to stop throwing sticks at Ganon.
"Okay well it was nice helping you, princess! Good luck with the rest!" Link exclaimed, jumping on Mipha and riding off into the sunset.
"Well, my work here is done," Daruk stated, rolling off behind Link and Mipha. Urbosa headed back to Gerudo town, while Zelda stood there awkwardly. Even Ganon was confused by the series of events.
"Revali?" she said, looking at me with puppy dog eyes.
I let out a long sigh. "Nah."
And with that, I took off into the great blue sky, fantasizing about Urbosa's undergarments, preparing myself for the fun I would be having later that night in my bathroom.
