My favourites are all from the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett they are just soo funny
so here is some lines of text from some of the books
"It could be worse," he said by way of farewell. "It could be me."
Picturesque meant - he decided after careful observation of the scenery that inspired Twoflower to use the word - that the landscape was horribly precipitous. Quaint, when used to describe the occasional village through which they passed, meant fever-ridden and tumbledown. Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the Discworld. Tourist, Rincewind had decided, meant 'idiot'.
I've seen excitement, and I've seen boredom. And boredom was best.
The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.
Ankh-Morpork!
Pearl of cities!
This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.
One reason for the bustle was that over large parts of the continent other people preferred to make money without working at all, and since the Disc had yet to develop a music recording industry they were forced to fall back on older, more traditional forms of banditry.
It was a small village, and wouldn't have shown up on a map of the mountains. It barely showed up on a map of the village.
It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever' he said.
'Have you thought of going into teaching?
That's mortals for you, Death continued. They've only got a few years in this world and they spend them all in making things complicated for themselves
It wasn't blood in general he couldn't stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting.
Some people think this is paranoia, but it isn't. Paranoids only think everyone is out to get them. Wizards know it.
Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more
Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid
'Kiddo? I'll have you know the blood of Pharaohs runs in my veins!'
The other boy looked at him unabashed, with his head on one side and a faint smile on his face.
'Would you like it to stay there?' He said
He nodded to the troll which was employed by the Drum as a splatter [footnote: Like a bouncer, but trolls use more force].
You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless, and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape – the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes - we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality
The senior wizard in a world of magic had the same prospects of long-term employment as a pogo stick tester in a minefield.
Windle shook his head sadly. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind