Mysterious Fellow Dodges Death! Who is Captan_Lunch?
By Frederick Foswell
The strange events of last night still linger in the air, and the good citizens of New York have begun looking over their shoulders for fear that they might become the next victim of organized crime. While it's too late for the Chameleon, the team at the Bugle has tried the dig into the identity of the fellow who narrowly dodged death last night, and what we've learned only muddies things further. His alignment is
certainly not Town, for
it contains the letter "I". This would make it possible for him to be Origin, Mafia, or Supervillain aligned, but not Town or Self. In addition, while this person's true name is not yet known, we have it on good authority that
he may become known as "Kraven the Hunter" at some point in the future. Who's that? Beats me! I'm a journalist, not a fortune teller.
[All bolded information has been mod confirmed.]
Letters to the Editor
Aunt May Parker said:
Peter Parker wet his bed every night until he was 15.
Dear Aunt May Parker,
That is extremely embarrassing.
I suggest buying him rubber sheet protectors just in case.
-Ed.
Anonymous said:
Thanks for your work, Robbie! Reading the paper always brightens my day. My favorites are JJJ's opinion pieces. Like they say, with great ability comes great accountability. That's why we have public oversight committees for the police. In fact, I don't think I've seen any city where the public has so much influence over police actions. What do you think about the public's role in justice?
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you, reader!
JJJ’s opinion is certainly a unique one! I’m glad you enjoy it, hopefully with a healthy dose of skepticism.
I think the public has a personal responsibility to keep others accountable. Everything falls apart when the public gets lazy and lets crime thrive unchecked. Juries exist to allow common people to have control over the fates of their peers, it is only fair that the people have a say over what kind of city they want to live in.
-Ed.
Anonymous said:
At least three of the following six characters started the game as mafia dons:
Lucky Lobo
Diamondback
Hammerhead
Big Man
Russian
Silvermane
Dear Anonymous,
That’s quite a list! One of those is even a potential identity for my coworker, but I’m pretty sure FF isn’t a threat to town currently.
-Ed.
Anonymous said:
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size
Catches thieves just like flies
Look out
Here comes the Spider-Man
Is he strong?
Listen bud
He's got radioactive blood
Can he swing from a thread?
Take a look overhead
Hey, there
There goes the Spider-Man
In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man
Wealth and fame
He's ignored
Action is his reward
Look out
Here comes the Spider-Man
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man
Wealth and fame
He's ignored
Action on Martha
Look out
Here comes the Spider-Man
In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size
Catches Martha just like flies
Look out
Here comes the Spider-Man
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man
Wealth and fame
He's ignored
Action is his reward
Look out
Here comes the Spider-Man
Sincerely anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Nice song, but what’s a Spider-Man? Do you mean Arachnid-Dude from the fight yesterday?
-Ed.
Anonymous said:
I choose to remain anonymous. I received information from [REDACTED] that he/she is self aligned. He/she is spying on some mafia gangs as far as I know, though I know not which.
Dear Anonymous,
Good to know. I will keep their identity completely secret.
-Ed.
Anonymous said:
Prompt for answer 6 letters: _ _ _ _ _ _
correct answer = [REDACTED]
rules:
How to play Nonograms | Puzzly Game
The description of Nonogram game rules
puzzlygame.com puzzlygame.com
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for the puzzle! We couldn’t include it yesterday but we can include yesterday’s today for those who want to solve it.
-Ed.
Editor's Note
By Joseph "Robbie" Robertson
Dear Readers,
As Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Bugle, it is my duty to ensure that each and every issue we put out is factual, informative, and entertaining. Yesterday, actions to arrest the man known as King of Dominaria as a result of our paper’s front page exposé. One costumed hero tried their hardest to apprehend him and, despite overwhelming votes to lock him up, KoD emerged again unscathed. Luckily “The Human Torch” remained free from any serious repercussions for his actions other than a few minor crimes added to his record.
What I cannot stand by is the insinuation that our publication "printed libel" that KoD has thrown against us. We have done no such thing. Our front page story was fact-checked by the mod and contained perfectly reasonable speculation. KoD was in fact exactly as we speculated—Wilson Fisk, a figure known in the potential future as “Kingpin”.
Our fears about KoD’s potential for villainy are well-founded. Look at Spiderman Mafia 2 where when, upon learning that he was being brainwashed into thinking he was the Hobgoblin, he instead decided to ignore reality and assume the identity of the Hobgoblin for real. This is the man who walks free today. This is what justice has come to in this great city we call New York, where a man like KoD can walk free and bodies keep stacking up.
Keep up the good work everyone,
Robbie Robertson
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF THE DAILY BUGLE
Contact Us
It’s Fight Night!
By J. Jonah Jameson
No, no. We aren’t talking about the valiant efforts of our own Donald Duck as he took on Crusher Hogan. This fight took place across town at Fisk International. Reports indicate the Human Torch confronted Fisk in his penthouse office, soon after the fire alarms forced an evacuation of the building.
While it is still unclear why Torch confronted Fisk, heavy fire damage to multiple floors of the office building indicate the confrontation became physical. Eye witness accounts from Fisk’s staff state that Fisk was found within a cage of fire before the staff distract Torch long enough for Fisk to incapacitate and escape with only minor burns.
Neither Human Torch nor Fisk have made a public statement on the matter at this time.
JJJ's Rants - A Travesty of Justice
By J. Jonah Jameson
Liars. Cheats. Thieves. That’s what I think of these so called “Exhibition Wrestlers”. Promises of $10,000 to anybody that could last three minutes in the ring, Yet our boy Donald Duck did just that and was told to graciously take his L and get off the stage. And when he tried to explain that he had survived the time limit he was yanked away from sympathetic ears, hooked around the neck by a cane.
A few short minutes was all that Donald needed to start up a college fund for his three nephews who he has been given custody over since their parents did a Parker. And a few short minutes into the match there’s photographic evidence of Donald still in the ring, still not pinned or submitted.
And yet here we sit with an official L down for Donald and no prize money to be seen. Other contestants are being told they’ll have to split the prize money despite the sign clearly saying “$10000 to the person that can stay in the ring” instead of “any group of peoples”. Swindled! Cheated! Shenanigans!
Clearly Crusher feared facing Donald in a fair fight. Donald grew up on the mean streets of Duckburg, where danger lurks behind you; strangers out to find you. Life was like a hurricane, racing cars and aeroplanes. And all that was before he enlisted and served his country! It’s quite clear that given a fair fight Donald would have hit the Duckburg Driver and taken home the V, 1 - 2 - 3.
Leed All About It!
By Ned Leeds
Breaking news! Ned Leeds was spotted yesterday evening looking like he believed he was very handsome in his brand new knockoff "Armani” suit driving his normal beat up old car that he stuck a new hood ornament on hoping others would believe it was a Rolls Royce (not a rental!) to the off-Broadway show Shrek the Musical, after lying that he was going to "A Beautiful Noise, The Neil Diamond Musical". Afterward he reportedly went for a drink and had more piña coladas than he could handle. What taste? What class?
Eyewitnesses in his mother’s house say he is "dashing" and has a smile that is both "dazzling" and "dreamy." Thus far, no lady has yet been heard wishing she was going steady with him.
You go, Ned!
Classifieds
Max Shiffman's the name, and showbusiness is my game!
I'm a local TV network producer with a hand in every pot and a foot in every circle.
Only the best live televised entertainment is on my production roster.
Are you a talented fellow or a madam? You're in luck, I am also a talent manager!
My latest professional score was signing a young lad I picked up at the Olympic Wrestling Arena the other Day.
The one, the only,
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
to my ever-expanding roster of incredible acts!
Don't know who that is? Well, you're going to soon enough!
In fact, the entire world will know
Spider-Man's name after he makes his debut appearance
LIVE on the
Ed Sullivan Show this
evening!
ONE NIGHT ONLY! TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE!
And if you can't make it down to the
Ed Sullivan Theater, worry not,
Because my new pal
Spidey will delight all of America on your TV screens at home,
Tonight at 8 PM! (7 Central)
Would you like to see your own classified ads here? Now, you can! Send a message to the Mod with what you'd like to include, make sure you identify it as a classified ad, and attach your cheque for $500.
– Page 10 –
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Obituaries
We mourn the loss of Morbid Minish, known to his close friends and relatives as Eugene "Flash" Thompson. While our sources say he was a bit of a bully to some of his fellow high schoolers, he had a heart of gold and his status as a member of Town was never called into question. Perhaps had he lived, he could have become a great hero himself. Why Midtown High's star quarterback was murdered last night is a question that haunts all of us.
Flash is survived by his mother Rose Thompson, his sister Jessie Thompson and his aunt and uncle Lea Thompson and Howard Deutch. The Daily Bugle was not able to verify whether or not his abusive father Harrison Thompson is still alive, though we imagine he is survived by him as well.
In lieu of flowers his family has asked that people write in and donate to the Daily Bugle.
You will be missed, Flash.
-All of us at the Daily Bugle
Daily Rumor
When a Kingpin is crowned, a Mafia/Town joint victory will be possible. Be careful though, depending on who is crowned each potential Kingpin will have a different effect on things.
An interesting rumor, let's hope that it's true and not false and damaging.
Solicitation
PLEASE BE SURE TO REACT TO THE DAILY BUGLE AND SEND A LETTER TO THE EDITOR EVERY DAY TO KEEP OUR BUSINESS SUCCESSFUL. THANK YOU FROM ALL OF US AT THE DAILY BUGLE.
Daily Funny
Calvin and Hobbes
Nancy
Heathcliff