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Zelda Art Patrons of the Goddesses

TreeHuggerPanda

The tree hugger of Hyrule
Cool, bit boring but you did an alright job, different than lily going to the temple herself like saria. . .

I know, but I had to transition from one scene to another without any confusion and stuff. This chapter should be more interesting though.

interesting. if I could do the ignis spell, there'd be fire everywhere.

O.O (*backs away slowly*)


Yeah, sorry about the delay. I didn't have internets for a week and yeah... Enjoy the short chapter!^^ (But I promise you, it is quite hilarious) And I have an art thread up already so feel free to make any drawings related to Patrons of the Goddesses!

~Chapter 9~
Never Kick Down Force Fields


With lantern, weapons, and fear lingering among the patrons, Pandora, Drake, and Zordo ran on the narrow path that was supposed to take them to the temple, hoping it actually took them to the ancient temple and not some other random place. I really do hope that Lilly is alright... Pandora thought as the path suddenly stopped and led to a huge, crumbling building.

The trio entered the building, but once they tried to step into the entrance, a force field blocked them from entering. Drake tried to kick the force field down, but it shocked him, leaving him on the ground and cowering. Zordo and Pandora just laughed while Drake suffered through electrocution. "You guys really are my friends!" he said sarcastically.

Pandora and Zordo finally calmed down. "Okay, let's try something less aggressive." Zordo said as he placed his hands on the force field. He could feel it weaken slightly. "Try putting your hands on it, guys." Pandora and Drake placed their hands on the force field and suddenly, it disappeared. "That's what I thought..." Zordo said. Pandora and Drake were stunned. "Well, come on."

The trio entered the dark hallway, which was quiet, but that was expected since it was still midnight. As they walked further down the creepy hallway, the torches attached to the wall burst with color, lighting up the dark hallway and warming the cool night air. "Drake, did you do that?" Pandora asked suspiciously. The same stench from before, the mysterious, powerful one, filled the patron's noses.

He replied, "No. I didn't even know there were torches!"

"Hm..." Zordo said calmly and thoughtfully after sniffing the air, "I suppose there is some type of monster up ahead and is welcoming us into its lair since the torches are lighting up for us..." He sighed. "But I supposed we can't help but defeat the monster since it seems that it took Lilly as a hostage."

They continued down the hallway, with the torches lighting up every step they took. The scent from before grew stronger and more potent. A faded aura of Lilly was sensed and the patrons began to run before her life was taken. I wonder what happens if a sage dies... Pandora thought negatively as she keep on pacing herself, but at the same time, rushing herself. No, I can't think that. She's going to live - she will live! Suddenly, it grew dark in the hallway and Pandora felt a burning pain at her side. Blood. She screamed and fell over.
 

amaterasu

Writer
Joined
May 21, 2011
Location
FL, USA
Gender
Female
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, GOSH! just kidding, but i was kinda getting impatient. When nobody posts for a while, i kinda forget, then get all excited when the do post. hazzah for you! *figures out the ignasious spell or somthing* awesome! Hey panda!
 

Jedizora

:right:
Joined
Feb 25, 2010
Nice. I love the whole force field thing. I wonder how Zordo knew about putting hands on the force field.
 

blue-eyes

Phoenix
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Location
Among the stars
Nice story. Can't wait until next chapter. I don't have any complaints ECEPT THAT YOU TAKE SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK im imangining myself yelling that and Panda shoots me in the head
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
Alright, your story is very good, and it kept me sucked in throughout the entire thing. In the beginning, you said "radiant" far too much, but you stopped doing that. Now, you refer to Pandora, Zordo, and Drake as "the trio" all the time. You need to keep from that, maybe call them "the chosen three" or "the three patrons", try to keep it from sounding as mechanical as you sometimes do.

Now, your overall stuff is fine, but some of your descriptions could use some improvement. I don't always have an idea as to what's going on, go at least 4 sentences out of your way to explain something. It adds meat to your already long chapters. Paint me a picture, and do not ever let me have to come up with things on my own, or I might not get the image you wanted.

And lastly, you use parentheses a lot; try not to. There are times that you should have used a semi-colon, or two hyphens. The hyphens are used when you plan on adding something in mid-flow of a sentence instead of parentheses. It's hard to explain when to use a semi-colon, so I'll try to give you an example:

Pandora shot out of the bed; her sword drawn.

I hope this helps.
 

TreeHuggerPanda

The tree hugger of Hyrule
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, GOSH! just kidding, but i was kinda getting impatient. When noboy posts for a while, i kinda forget, then get all excited when the do post. hazzah for you! *figures out the ignasious spell or somthing* awesome! Hey panda!

I apologize for the wait on Chapter 9 and Chapter 10. Although, I am going to try and post another chapter this week, but it'll heavily depend on my motivation. And (*starts to run away*).

Nice. I love the whole force field thing. I wonder how Zordo knew about putting hands on the force field.

I really wanted to give the patrons psychic abilities so I let Zordo figure out the force field thing.

Anyway, I love the way the story's turning out. There's a bloody cliffhanger every chapter! Awesomeness! Can't wait for Kuri to show up, even if he is only in like one scene.

I know. I love cliffhangers even though they are cruel on the reader. I do plan to put in Kuri for more than a scene though;)

Nice story. Can't wait until next chapter. I don't have any complaints ECEPT THAT YOU TAKE SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK im imangining myself yelling that and Panda shoots me in the head

I know, I'm just lazy and have absolutely no motivation.

Alright, your story is very good, and it kept me sucked in throughout the entire thing. In the beginning, you said "radiant" far too much, but you stopped doing that. Now, you refer to Pandora, Zordo, and Drake as "the trio" all the time. You need to keep from that, maybe call them "the chosen three" or "the three patrons", try to keep it from sounding as mechanical as you sometimes do.

I noticed that I used radiant a lot in the beginning, but I've been using a thesaurus lately so I've been trying to vary word choice. And I do notice that I use "the trio" a lot now too, but I guess I haven't been paying attention whenever I edit XD

Now, your overall stuff is fine, but some of your descriptions could use some improvement. I don't always have an idea as to what's going on, go at least 4 sentences out of your way to explain something. It adds meat to your already long chapters. Paint me a picture, and do not ever let me have to come up with things on my own, or I might not get the image you wanted.

I try to describe the area surrounding Zordo, Pandora, and Drake a little bit and how they look like, but I know I tend to be a little vague on that since I like to give the reader about 5% of the time to imagine things on their own an I guess I haven't been living up to that number:P

And lastly, you use parentheses a lot; try not to. There are times that you should have used a semi-colon, or two hyphens. The hyphens are used when you plan on adding something in mid-flow of a sentence instead of parentheses.

I haven't noticed the parentheses part a lot, but looking back, I guess I should use a little variation on the sentence structures. I haven't really tried to use semi-colons, but I should change it up a little:)

I know I said this about three billion times, but thank you so much Ganondork for making a very thorough review on what I'm doing good in and what I should improve. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ...Thank you...


I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in a while but I will try to get another chapter posted this week as an apology since my goal is to write one chapter every week (I know it isn't that many chapters compared to most writers here but I'm busy and lazy and stuff). Either way, this is a chapter about Pandora's past as it flashes back to her as she falls down... I guess... Enjoy!;)

~Chapter 10~
Memories of Pain


"Panda! Panda!" A man with messy black hair and calm, smiling brown eyes said with a woman with mousy brown hair and gentle emerald eyes at his arm. "We're back!"

"Mama! Papa!" Pandora rushed to her parent's side. As she ran with her chubby little legs, she stumbled on the wooden floors of their quiet living room. She stood up right away and continued to run to her parents. "I missed you!" She cried as happy tears began to sliver down her peach-like cheeks and hugged her mother's leg tightly. She looked up at her mother with the same shining eyes she inherited from her, "Don't leave me alone ever again!"

Her mother spoke in a soft, lullaby-like voice while she ruffled her daughter's black hair. "We will never leave you alone, Panda. I promise you that we will never leave you."

***​

"Mother... Father..." Pandora spoke in a grave voice as her parents slowly closed their eyes and scurried into the dark abyss of the afterlife. "Mother! Father!" Her voice changed into a sudden scream as she realized that she will never see her beloved parents again. "No... you can't leave me! You can't leave me behind!" Furious tears left her face and dripped into a ground.

The blazing house started to close in on her and the corpses of her mother and father. Even if her parents magically woke up, defying death, she wouldn't be able to carry them out of the house without dying herself. "I'm sorry... but I know you would want me to live on..." She said as she stood up. "So I must leave you here... I love you..."

She walked out of the burning house, unscathed. More tears rolled down her cheeks. "I love you, mother. I love you, father."

***​

"Oof!" Pandora, filthy and covered in dirt and dust, stumbled upon the long, winding, dirt path that led to a small village. She immediately recovered from the fall and continued down the path. After the burning of her childhood home, she had been wandering around the land to find one of her parent's acquittance, whom she barely remembered. She knew that they lived in a small, distant village, south of her former home, but not much else.

"Heeeeeey!" Pandora turned around to the eager voice of a boy, who looked like he was around her own age. He was riding a black horse with a sword at hand, waving at Pandora with his other hand. "Are you lost?" He asked.

Pandora was shocked to find someone who could possibly help her only days after her parents had died and she had to abandon her home. "Yes, but I'm looking for a friend of my parents."

The boy looked at her weirdly, "Where are your parents then?" He pressed. "Why aren't they here with you?"

Pandora looked like she was about to cry. "They... died..." She spoke in a voice full of dread and horror.

The boy's look softened. "Oh well..." He immediately dropped the subject before he brought up some painful memories of the poor girl. "Come on!" He offered her his hand. Pandora took his hand, not knowing what troubles would lie ahead in the future.
 
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Keyari

翼のエルフ
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Location
Rivendell, Middle Earth
Ooh! I love this chapter, we finally get to see more of Panda's backstory... :3

Great Chapter THP! I can't wait for the next one, this story's so good! <3
 

TreeHuggerPanda

The tree hugger of Hyrule
Ooh! I love this chapter, we finally get to see more of Panda's backstory... :3

Great Chapter THP! I can't wait for the next one, this story's so good! <3

Thanks. I decided to do a chapter on Panda's backstory since I wanted to clear the mystery regarding Panda's past.

Sorry guys, I don't have a chapter today. I forgot to announce this, but I am taking a break from writing Patrons of the Goddesses due to the stress of real life and handling the GRA. No, I'll still be able to get on and play Mafia games and post and stuff, but I've just been a little self conscious of writing too slow or just being plain lazy. I really am a little embarrassed that I only update my fan fic only once a week and sometimes even two weeks. I'm not going to stop writing this fan fic completely, but I just need to take a break from writing for a while. I'm not sure when I'll be able to resume writing, but I'm sure I'll be able to have motivation to write this story again. Again, I'm sorry to let all of you down because of my motivation to write. I'm still passionate about this idea, but I just need some time to not write. Thank you for understanding.
 

Luigidude64

Suzune Supporter
Joined
Apr 17, 2011
Who said we understand???!!!!!:mad: :mad: Jk, but that's too bad. I was enjoying this, well what there is of it. Try to stay on your toes! (i.e. don't go insane)
 

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