BREAKING NEWS: Reggie Fils-Aime Gives Info on New Wii Zelda

In a personal email correspondence with an unnamed member of the Zelda fan community, Nintendo of America front man Reggie Fils-Aime has released a beta screenshot for a new game in the series on the Wii. This is unprecedented on two levels: the first being that we now know the next game in the series is to be for the Wii (as opposed to the 3DS or Wii U, as was already announced), and the second that this is the first time a Zelda game has come to general knowledge like this. Fortunately, the unnamed member of the community gave me his entire email correspondence with Mr. Fils-Aime (which stretches all the way back to 2006), and you can read it in its entirety.

The unnamed fan in question is actually a member of our very own Zelda Informer forums who goes by the username of AShadowLink – if you have any questions regarding the emails or the new game, I urge you to sign in and message him for more information. He’s a great man and my personal hero, and loves it when people talk to him. Now, here follows the entire email saga:

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August 2006

Deat Mister Feezamee:

Hi my name is (N/A) and I like the Zelda games a lot. I saw that Twilight princess is coming to the Gamecube and Wii later this year and was wondering if you would give me information on them because that would be nice and ahsome. You are a really cool guy and i think you’re nice and ahsome. Nintendo 5ever, because 5ever is even more than 4ever.

Love, (N/A)

N/A:

Thanks for your enthusiasm! We love when fans show their appreciation for our products, and always wish to foster fan support. Unfortunately, we cannot give confidential information on upcoming games on request. We hope you enjoy The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess coming this fall for both the Nintendo Gamecube system, and as a fully motion-enhanced experience on the Nintendo Wii system.

Thank you, Reggie Fils-Aime, President of Nintendo of America

P.S. How did you get my specific Nintendo business email address? I was under the impression that it was only for use in-company and was never publicly disclosed.

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February 2007

Dear Mister Feesamii (Get it, like Mii):

Hi! I thought that twilight princess was the best in the series and was awsome on new levels like the inner microcosm of galaxy. the falling Ilias made me think of when my mommy fell from the ceiling and broke her leg when she tried to hang herself. She’s all better now after therapy now so it’s okay but it was scary because of the memory. Anyway, I saw that Zelda Phantom Hurrglass is coming for the DS and i was wondering if you could give it to me early. Here’s my addess: (N/A). Can you put it in a box with a shiny blue ribbon so I know to sneak it away because my mom takes all the boxes when they arrive to scan for anthrax.

Love, (N/A)

P.S. I got your address from this one time where I was in Nintendo HQ (which is heaven) and saw it on a lady’s screen and memorized it. I know i’m sending this to your new one because you changed it, so before you ask I went again and saw the new one and am using it now.

N/A:

Well, you are one dedicated fan! We at Nintendo love our dedicated fans, but this might be a little too much. I will change my email again, and you won’t be able to reach me (I apologize for the inconvenience). I’m sorry to hear about your mother, but The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass is currently in development and is not ready to be shipped; and even if it was, we cannot send out early copies on request.

Thank you for your dedication, Reggie Fils-Aime, President of Nintendo of America

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November 2007

Dear Mister Fil-Aim:

HI! IT’S ME AGAIN LOL!! sorry ofr being so long in response but I couldn’t find your new address so I had to spend a lot of time looking in windows at the nintendo building for it on the computer and taking pictures. Anyway, i got Phantom Hoorglass and I think it’s the best in the series by an amount. I think the touch screen depths game by a lot, and want to see more. Whenever my mom was in therapy, i spend time filling in every map of the game into total darkness to spend the time, and it makes me feel better. Anyway, when’s the next one coming out? I want to know!

Love, (N/A)

P.S. What are you attracted to in people?

N/A:

Okay, this is too much. I am quite certain that looking in through windows like this is a criminal misdemeanor, if not a felony. I am happy that you enjoyed The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, and that’s great, but there are much better ways to show your appreciation than this. I will change my email address again and you will not send me another one.

Reggie

P.S. That is personal.

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June 2008

Dearest Mr. Fils-Aime,

My mom made that intro! i love it and that!1 So tell me when the new Zelda is coming!

(N/A)

P.S. What are your fetishes?

(N/A):

No.

Reggie

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August 2008

Dearest Mr. Fils-Aime,

Now?

(N/A)

P.S. Leather?

(N/A):

NO

Reggie

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October 2008

Dearest Mr. Fils-Aime,

Now or Never!

(N/A)

P.S. Please tell me?

(N/A):

Never

Reggie

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November 2008

Dearest Mr. Fils-Aime,

I HATE YOU

(N/A)

(N/A):

Good.

Reggie

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At this point in the correspondence, we reach an incredibly long period without any emails exchanged, which (N/A) attributes to his inability to find Mr. Fils-Aime’s new email address. Luckily, he was able to acquire it just this past week through a hacking system. Here is the latest and last email, from just this past week:

Dear Reggie:

Guess who? It’s me! 😀 I lost your new address of years, and just wunted to say that Skyward Sword was teh best in the series and the motion controls were real as everything and anything. So I was thinking that you could show me the new Zelda game for the wii that is a sequel to tskyward sword? Because that would be awesome on levels i can’t reach because medication limits.

Love, (N/A)

(N/A):

Holy fucking shit. After almost three and a half years you come back? I told you to never, ever message me again. I will not hold back. I am turning this address in to the police and you will be arrested. This is stalking, and it might actually qualify as attempted embezzlement of information. Oh, and just for consolation, here’s your fucking Wii Zelda game:

It’s called The Legend of Zelda: Fuck Your Face, and it’s made especially for you. Now go and give this screen to some fan site and have them tell you what they think of them.

Reggie

P.S. I’m into leather.

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And there we have it. The Legend of Zelda: Fuck Your Face is going to be released for the Wii at an undisclosed date sometime this year. Logic indicates it must launch sometime prior to the holiday season in order to not lose relevance in the face of the Wii U. Again, the member who brings you this information is AShadowLink on the forums, and all credit for this discovery goes to him. Make sure to comment away on this astounding new find.

Source: Screenshot by Ryu-Gi