Just Reviewing My Favorite Zelda Game, Because I Can

2:02am US Central time on August 18 2011 and I was reading some article, by some new writer guy, at some fansite. It was then that I thought about which Zelda game is my favorite. It definitely wasn’t Ocarina of Time. A Link to the Past came close, but no cigar. In fact, it wasn’t even Majora’s Mask. Actually, it wasn’t even developed or published by Nintendo!

No – not those Philips CD-I games; how dare you even mention those disgraces of which we speaketh not. The game I speak of is true quality to the max, squared, then multiplied by seven. Yes folks, the game reviewed here and now is the ultimate Legend of Zelda game. I refer, of course, to the 2005 flash game “The Legend of Zelda and the Lampshade of No Real Significance” developed by Super Flash Bros. Seriously, what else would I be referring to?

For a game released on an online platform, it packs in a generous amount of content, as we’ve come to expect from Zelda titles. What’s even more amazing, though, is the price! It is this amazing number that is the exact same no matter what currency you convert it to. Pretty cool numeral right there, hey? No! It’s just zero (0, 0.0, 0.00 or even 0.001 if you round to the nearest hundredth).

Generous content and criminally bargain prices aside, this insignificant lampshade is very significant if you’re measuring the significant aspects of Zelda titles that we’ve come to expect to appear significantly in each entry to the series. In other words, The Lampshade of No Real Significance has everything that makes a Zelda game. And that means a lot more than just an ambiguous at best placement in the timeline.

The story, as always, tells the tale of the green-frocked hero Link as he journeys through the land of Hyscule. After obtaining the Mystical Lampshade, Link must journey to the Temple of Light in the North so that he can place the Lampshade in its place, thus perfecting the feng shui of the temple’s interior.

The soundtrack nods graciously back to A Link to the Past and Ocarina of Time, which fans of the series will love. With that said, the game does move forward from the same old Zelda formula we’ve seen for decades – meaning it accomplishes more for the series then Nintendo ever will! The developers at Super Flash Bros took a great creative license within the established Zelda mythos by bringing in new hotspot locations such as PC World and McDonalds.

The gameplay of The Lampshade of No Real Significance is where the game really dominates the earth. It’s more Zelda than, well, 97.89374286% of Nintendo’s Zelda titles. Its bosses are designed brilliantly, with the obvious ‘shoot with bow and sword here when stunned’ weakspots removed. Instead of that nonsense, the weakspots are more obvious than ever – you just pull out the power plug. Genius! Down goes the Lampshade Guardian, aptly titled as the “Invincible Sewer Demon.”

Team Bro Flashers sure know their Zelda boss design, but also all of that other stuff that games require. It goes without saying that Link’s journey to the Temple of Light is not an easy one, but the developers really understand the fundamental Zelda gameplay concept – the trading sequence. Like every other Zelda game in existence, the game focuses around one long and random trading quest of random items for Link to achieve his goal. This time, however, there is much more substance than mere masks, poacher’s saws and what not.

Link begins with a bag of money he receives from a guard in return for buying him some food. Unfortunately McDonalds is out of burgers, so he uses the money to buy some Girly Hair Products, which he gives to Samus as she makes her cameo appearance. Samus gives Link a Tiny Extreme Iron which he gives to an old man to choke on so that the guy’s vase is free for the taking.

That vase is then used to get some water from the well, which happens to have the Frog of Legend within. Some random guy wants to eat the frog and gives Link some Tiger Face Paints in exchange, which Link kindly gives to Kirby to aid in his upcoming stealth mission. Kirby, in another classy cameo, thanks Link by giving him a taser.

Being the innocent and ignorant child that he is, Link accidentally kills a man who’s drenched in water using the taser. At least the man’s not blocking Link’s path anymore! Some nerd then trades the taser for a Light Gun, which the weird guy in the cemetery swaps for a shovel. Then all Link has to do is dig up a corpse at the graveyard, take it to McDonalds, get a burger made and take it to the aforementioned hungry guard. That’s the quest to the temple complete, and I just can’t bring myself to spoil what happens when Link enters to begin some interior decoration.

It’s one heck of a challenging and enjoyable gaming experience, without question, but let’s not overlook the underlying morals there always are in Zelda game. The main message for us here is that McDonalds knows quality meat – if quality meat is comprised of dead carcass, of well, anything that was once living. Of course that includes that Great-great-great Aunt Sue of yours that you’d forgotten all about! The game relates to us more directly and individually as well, with us seeing Samus suffering from a bad hair day, but triumphing over her issues with some Girly Hair Products.

The Legend of Zelda and the Lampshade of No Real Significance has everything Zelda is and everything that anyone would ever want in a Zelda game. Ocarina of Time 3D couldn’t get a perfect 10/10 score, but this game is deserving, multiplied by 42, to the power of 666. In layman’s terms, that’s five out of five Reggie heads. Nintendo needs to take a page, if not several hundred, from Super Flash Bros’ book, because Nintendo clearly got outperformed at their own game here. Let us hope that Skyward Sword took some lessons from what you all labeled as nothing more than an insignificant lampshade.

Play The Legend of Zelda and the Lampshade of No Real Significance here…