The Official ZD Jokes Thread

[Beauts]

Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder.
the driver ****s himself, swerves, narrowly misses crashing into a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"**** me, you're jumpy aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder"
"I'm sorry," said the driver "it's my first day. I've been driving a ****ing hearse for twenty years "

 

[Hylian Viking]

Two Airline mechanics named Gary and Tim get off work at New York's La Guardia Airport, one night La Guardia gets fogged in heavily so there is not any aircraft movement. So that night they do not have any work, usually after Gary and Tim quit the two hit a nearby bar, so Gary said to Tim. "I have heard you can get a buzz off of drinking jet fuel." So they roughly drink a quart a piece and return back home. The next morning Gary calls Tim and says "How are you feeling?" Tim says he is fine, Gary asks Tim if he has a hangover which Tim responds with no, Tim then says to Gary "This is great we can drink all we want and we will not get hung over," Gary then says "One small question, Tim" Tim says "what is that" Gary responds with "Have you farted yet?" Tim answers "no, why?" "Well don't because I am calling from Phoenix, Arizona."

A turtle, A republican and Judas Iscariot walk into a bar, the bartender says "what will you have Mitch McConnell"

Two Cannibals named Mike and Dave cook a man for dinner, while eating Mike says to Dave "How is it?" Dave responds "Excellent, I am having a ball right now."

 

[Spiritual Mask Salesman]

When this thread gets bumped after 3 years... (I'm terrible, I know, but I couldn't help myself!)