The Official ZD Jokes Thread

[Lanky Kong]

zd is the joke

 

[Feverish]

[Noun] is a joke

 

[Dio]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special.
Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" and i replied ''Okay!''
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked!!!

 

[Dio]

Roses are red Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic. And so am I.

 

[Dio]

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to dig up his garden to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over.I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!

At 4 a.m the next morning, a dozen police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused,the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."

 

[Dio]

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Spoiler

A visit from the ethics committee and withdrawal of your funding

 

[Spirit]

Skyward Sword

 

[Libk]

The lorule lounge has to be the greatest ZD joke

 

[Jamie]

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to dig up his garden to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over.I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!

At 4 a.m the next morning, a dozen police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused,the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."

This isn't a Facebook feels thread.

 

[Mellow Ezlo]

I am devastated!!!
I got very sad news day today. After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, my very good friend @Jamie was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. I know, I know, but what a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

 

[Jamie]

I am devastated!!!
I got very sad news day today. After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, my very good friend @Jamie was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. I know, I know, but what a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

You forgot the trademark after Nice Guy.

 

[Dio]

The way to a mans heart is though his stomach.

Unless he's vegan. Then it's through his vagina.

 

[Kylo Ken]

I am devastated!!!
I got very sad news day today. After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, my very good friend @Jamie was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. I know, I know, but what a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

He dindu nuffin, he's a good boy!

 

[Dio]

A photon checks into a hotel where he is asked if he needs help with his luggage.
'No' photon replies 'I'm travelling light'

 

[Jamie]

A man once told me, "there is no sin in the battlefield".

I said, "yes there is, it's opposite/hypotenuse".