General Art -Ib-

[Violet Link]

Well actually, I'm going to write the whole story based in the game. After I complete this, I might continue another Ib story based on an ending from that game.

Here it goes, chapter one.

-Chapter 1: Where am I?
In the early afternoon, under a gray sky... Ib and her parents were on their way to an art gallery.

"Did you remember everything, Ib? Oh! Do you have your handkerchief? You know, the one that you got for your birthday! Keep it safe in your pocket, okay? Don't lose it!" said Ib's mother, reminding them before they go.

"Oh, thanks for reminding me, mother! I'll go get it." Ib replied to her lovely mother.

--30 Minutes Later--

"Well, we are here! Ib, isn't this the first time you went to an art gallery? We're here today to see an exhibition of works by an artist named Guertena.. and they don't just have paintings but sculptures and all sorts of creations..! I don't doubt that even you'll enjoy it, Ib." her mother said to her daughter with a lively tone when they arrived.

Ib was amazed. Like what her mother said, she saw all sorts of creations by this artist named Guertena. She was pretty much impressed.

"Let's go to the reception desk to get some pamphlets." Ib's father said.

"Can I go look at the paintings first?" Ib asked, feeling a little timid because of waiting.

Ib's mother looked at her young daughter and sighed but she shown a sweet smile after that.

"Well sure. Just make sure you'll be fine and quite, alright? Don't make a ruckus! Not that there's any need to worry you, I suppose.."

Ib smiled and ran off along by her own. She was really happy and she couldn't wait to venture and see all of Guertena's creations.

---

"Wow. The Lady in Red, Worry, Enlightment... All are beautiful paintings! Oh yeah, also that one beautiful red rose sculpture, The Embodiment of Spirit.. That sculpture has an odd description though. " Ib said to herself, enjoying in the gallery by looking at the paintings. She was wandering all by her own and she actually didn't mind. Ib then sees a large portrait that's actually colorful to her.

"This one is huge! Hmm... I don't understand the name of this painting."

Suddenly, the lights flicker and flicker. Ib was shocked and her heart was pounding. She looked left and right and to her surprise.. no one was there.

"Hello? Anyone?" she said, scared.

Blue liquid leaked from the frame and suddenly she sees the words 'C O M E I B' on the floor. The blue liquid formed a sentence- 'Come downstairs, Ib. I'll show you something there.'

She had no choice but to go down to the main exhibition, 'The Abyss of the Deep.' When she came there, she sees blue footsteps.

"Is this.. water? Hmm.. I can feel that something is pushing me in.."

Splash!

---

"Where.. am I? Is this still the gallery..? No.. it isn't. This place here looks quite different."

Ib then wandered out by her own, examining the place she's in.

Where is she exactly?
​

------------------------------

Yeah, that is a short chapter indeed. The next one might be quite long so yeahh, hold your horses.

 

[Hylian_Monolith]

I've noticed that you put a lot of your description into expository language--language designed to advance the plot that ends up feeling a bit cheesy. Just move these descriptors to the text instead of the dialogue, and you're golden!

I can't wait for Garry to show up... <3

 

[Violet Link]

Here is the chapter 2 guys:

Spoiler

Chapter 2: Liar!

"Ooh, a red rose! Pretty.."

Ib then took the red rose out from a vase. She was in a blue room and inside was only her, the rose and a painting. When she took the rose, the painting kind of smiled at Ib which made her freak out. She then decided to check the painting's description:

When the rose wilts, so you too shall rot.

"Wait. This description seems familiar. Oh well. " Ib thought. She then proceeds to went out and to her surprise, she sees the word 'THIEF' all over the walls. What could this actually mean?

"I'm.... not a thief..." Ib said to herself.

Later on, she went to another room which brought her to a green room. Ib looked at some four insect paintings.

"Hey. I want to go home." a small voice spoke to her.

Ib looked below since that's actually where the voice came from. An ant just spoke to her..

"I actually.. want to go home too." Ib thought to herself.

Ib looked at the lonely ant and she knew that the ant wanted to go home but she didn't knew where it lives. She then ventured off to a green hallway. Before she went in to the hallway, there was a description she read:

'B E W A R E O F E D G E S'

"Beware of edges? I guess I should follow the warning." Ib thought as she started to walk at the hallway.

ROAR!

A hand popped out at the side of the wall! As she walked, more hands were popping out as if they wanted to get Ib. Ib's heart pounded in fear. She then founded a portrait which was similar to the ant earlier.

"This painting looks like it can be removed... I think I should take it." she said to herself, removing the ant painting. After that, she saw a door but when she tried opening it, it was locked.

"Darn."

She needed a key. Ib wondered how.
She then went off again to the creepy hallway, avoiding the hands. Ib discovered a door next to the insect paintings and to her luck, it wasn't locked.

---

"Hmm.. Paintings on how a butterfly is formed.." Ib muttered to herself. She then went in to the another doors which also wasn't locked and then founded out that there was a hole on the floor so she couldn't continue.

"This painting should help." Ib said. She placed the painting on the floor and proceed to another room. To her surprise and luck, she found a key but a headless mannequin was in front of the key. Ib didn't care and took the key away.

Suddenly, the headless mannequin moved and then ran to Ib. Without hesitation, Ib ran away from the mannequin. But luckily, the mannequin fell down to the painting thus fell to the hole. Ib was relieved and then she continued to proceed to the other rooms.
​

Spoiler

"A cat? Oh, and it has lost a fish.." Ib said, examining an odd looking cat with a fish shaped nose. She was stuck between two hallways but Ib went to the left hallway to find the fish.

When she went to the left hallway, Ib was a little startled to see lots of curtained paintings. Only one wasn't, which was a painting of a stick figure. Ib examined the stick figure's description:

Fancy a game of hide and seek?

Ib was confused, but she nodded, anyways. Buttons suddenly appear at all of the curtained paintings. They all consist of 7 buttons and Ib pressed the 7th button. What appeared wasn't the stick figure, but an axe.

'You saw something very sinister.' was the description of the Axe painting.

Ib was puzzled but she let it off her mind, anyways. She pressed the 5th button and in her luck, the stick figure was there!

'Found me, you get a prize."

Ib heard a faint noise. She then sees a piece of a wooden tail. Ib grabbed it and when she did, there was a sound of a crash at the right hallway. Without hesitation, she took the wooden tail and proceeds to the left hallway.

---
"Oh! A statue broke..." Ib said to herself in shock. She was in a room filled with lots of supplies and also she could see statues and mannequins.

Ib looked at the broken statue and sees a wooden head. Ib smiled and took the head and combined the tail. A wooden fish.

"Hmm.. the cat lost this so it's better if I return it." Ib thought. She went in back again to the room with the cat and placed the wooden fish. Suddenly, the room rumbled a little and Ib could hear cat voices as the hallway to the next room was extended. She then walked to the new hallway which led her to another room.

---

Ib was in a large room. She first went to her left and she felt surprised to see a blank portrait. Ib examined the blank portrait and she saw a little number written in red: 9.

At the right, it wasn't that much but she only saw a huge mouth. Ib examined the mouth and the mouth spoke to her.

"Hungry.. please.. give me food.."
the mouth said in a desperate tone. It then bit Ib, which made her rose lose a petal.

"Ah.. what is this odd pain?" she thought to herself when the rose lost one of its petal. Eventually, the pain faded away and she proceeds walking to the room's middle hallway which had a description:

'Just when you had forgotten..'

Ib tried to understand what it meant and eventually she did so she walked in the middle. She wasn't really that surprised to see the same hand popping out from the hallway's wall since she had thought before walk.

Ib founded herself seeing five normal hanged dolls at her right and a door to the left. She examined one of the dolls and one of it fell, showing her another number in green: 18.

"This numbers might have a connection.." Ib thought to herself. After that, she went in to the door at the left corridor, which was 'The Liar's Room'.

Ib saw six paintings: to the right, she saw a man in blue, a woman in white and a woman in red and to her left, she saw a man in green, a man in brown and a man in yellow.

Ib examined the paintings one by one. -

Man in blue: The only truth speaker wears green!

Woman in white: Stand in front of the statue, go east 2 steps and south 2 steps. That's the answer!

Woman in red: I agree the one in the yellow!


Man in green: Stand in front of the statue, go west 3 steps then south 1 step. That's the answer!

Man in brown: Stand in front of the statue, go east 4steps then north 2 steps. That's the answer!

Man in yellow: The one in white speaks the truth!


"Hmm.. Who's telling the truth here? Wait. If no one agrees on the brown one... maybe brown speaks the truth." Ib thought. So then she went in to the door and did what brown said but before that, she examined the statue. The statue said in a deep voice:

"There's an odd one out."

"Odd one out?" Ib thought again. After that, she followed the Brown's instructions and eventually, there's a loose tile at the back. Ib examined it and saw a number colored in purple:
4.

Suddenly, she heard a big ruckus at the back. She heard a loud shriek, which was "LIAR!". Ib quickly ran out to the Liar's Room and was really surprised, because the Man in Brown was covered with red paint. The other paintings had knives on their hands, description changing to 'Liar!'

Ib then went out, going to the other door beside the hanged dolls. A puzzle asked Ib-

Green X times Red X plus Purple X. What is the answer?

Ib had to thank her parents for this one, because her parents thought her advanced mathematics to Ib and she managed to understand it.

"Hmm.. It must be 166, right?" Ib answered. There was a sound of a click and when Ib opened the door, it was unlocked and she could see a wooden apple on a wooden tree. She then picked the apple and knew what was the apple for.

"I'll give this to the mouth thingy." Ib said to herself playfully. She exited to the room and gave the wooden apple to the mouth.

"Good and tasty... You can pass now through my mouth..." the mouth said as she was opening its mouth. Ib was a little grossed out but she went in to the mouth because she wants to get out from this odd world.​

I split it into two parts because its kinda long.
A new character will appear at the next chapter. Who will it be, let's see!

 

[Azure Sage]

Ib had to thank her parents for this one, because her parents thought her advanced mathematics to Ib and she managed to understand it.

Should be "taught".

It's not bad, sis, but there are a bunch of ways you could improve it. For starters, you don't really seem to be using a lot of commas. A lot of your sentences end up seeming like run-ons, so I would suggest working on comma placement. Another thing I would work on is fleshing out the details more. Things seem to be happening too fast. You sort of rush through descriptions of the rooms in a sentence or two. I think you should take your time and really describe it more vividly in a paragraph. Try to paint a picture in the reader's head.

One more thing; Ib is a horror game, right? I won't pretend to be an expert on horror, but I think it would really help your story if you would go into more detail on Ib's emotions and feelings and inner thoughts as she's wandering around. You've gotta help the reader try to feel what Ib is feeling as she, for example, passes through the room with all the hands.

Generally, I'd say description is the biggest thing you should work on. I also noticed a handful of grammatical errors, too. But I understand that that's just your kawaii Engrish. :3 Still, you should try your best to enhance your grammar skills so your writing can flow a lot better.

You can only keep improving, sis. Just keep at it and try your best! :>

 

[Violet Link]

Should be "taught".

It's not bad, sis, but there are a bunch of ways you could improve it. For starters, you don't really seem to be using a lot of commas. A lot of your sentences end up seeming like run-ons, so I would suggest working on comma placement. Another thing I would work on is fleshing out the details more. Things seem to be happening too fast. You sort of rush through descriptions of the rooms in a sentence or two. I think you should take your time and really describe it more vividly in a paragraph. Try to paint a picture in the reader's head.

One more thing; Ib is a horror game, right? I won't pretend to be an expert on horror, but I think it would really help your story if you would go into more detail on Ib's emotions and feelings and inner thoughts as she's wandering around. You've gotta help the reader try to feel what Ib is feeling as she, for example, passes through the room with all the hands.

Generally, I'd say description is the biggest thing you should work on. I also noticed a handful of grammatical errors, too. But I understand that that's just your kawaii Engrish. :3 Still, you should try your best to enhance your grammar skills so your writing can flow a lot better.

You can only keep improving, sis. Just keep at it and try your best! :>

Yeah, I really want to work on the descriptive part. I don't really seem to be that descriptive in the story, but I'll try.
Other thing is, I actually had planned some pinpoints for this earlier before so it does kinda look like it's in a bit rush.
But I'll try.

 

[Sydney]

It's not bad, Violet. It's not bad at all. I'm no writer, but I would try and be more descriptive. What I've noticed is that you've done most of your descriptions through dialogue. That's not bad, but I feel you could at least set the scene a little bit more; describing the interior of the gallery, even the details on a few portraits and sculptures would really make things interesting. Throwing a few more descriptive words in there too would spice things up a bit.

Just my thoughts. Good job so far. =)

 

[Violet Link]

Long hiatus, I know. I was busy with shizz as stuff... yeah. Pretty much it.

Ib 3

Chapter 3: The Blue Rose

After Ib entered through the mouth, she saw paintings of guillotines. Her father had told her about these guillotines so Ib was very terrified of them. Till the end of the guillotine painting, Ib didn't expect to have a real one to fall into her but she quickly made it off. She was relieved and imagined what will actually happened if she was chopped off.

Ib went down to the stairs and founded herself in a red area. She also saw a painting called 'Breath'. She saw a bird breathing. "Is that bird.. breathing through a trumpet?" Ib said to herself, wondering. She then continued to go on.

In the room that Ib just entered, she saw two sculptures- the left was in blue and the right was in red. Both of them were identical, except that it was mirrored. Next, she saw two paintings and one of them was 'The Lady in Red'.

"The Lady in Red.. I can't believe she's here." Ib thought. She also saw a key in front of the 'Lady in Red', so she took the key and suddenly, when she took it, the Lady in Red came off from the wall and began chasing Ib. Ib felt scared and ran as fast as she could since the painting was really fast. Luckily, she saw a door and thought about the key so she quickly unlocked the door using the key that she had found and quickly locked the door.

"At least I'm safe here from those in this library." Ib thought in the room which was really full of books.

There were four shelves in the room. Ib checked the 2nd shelf and took a book. She saw a piece of paper in the book:

'H A V I N G F U N?'

"No. I'm not. I want to go back, that's all." Ib thought to herself. Then, she checked the 3rd shelf and took a book which caught her eye:

'Carrie Careless and the Galletè dè rois'- a moving storybook in crayon.

Ib decided to read the book..:

Once, a girl with pink hair with her other friends celebrated Carrie, their friend's birthday, at the pink girl's house. The pink girl brought the cake to the table.

"Happy Birthday, Carrie!" the girl said lively. "I made you a special cake called 'Galletè dè rois!"

"What is a 'Galletè dè rois'?" Carrie asked her friend.

"Well, there's a coin in one of these slices. If you swallowed the slice with the coin, you'll be a happy person!" the pink girl explained to Carrie.

"Oh boy, that's cool!" Carrie said.

"Eat up!" the pink girl said as she cut the slice equally into four pieces.

The four friends ate their slice and suddenly..

"Ow.. I think I swallowed on something.. very... hard!" Carrie said, holding her neck.

"Carrie! That's the coin! Okay now, I'll go clear this up first!" the pink girl said to the others as she cleared to table. The pink haired girl went to the kitchen and saw her mother in worry.

"Mom? What's wrong?" she asked her mom.

"I can't find the key to the room, dear." her mother replied.

When the pink haired girl was about to place the left overs to the table, she was in shock.

"Wait.. that's the coin that I was suppose give to Carrie.." the girl said, surprised.

"Oh, your father will be really mad.." her mother muttered to herself.

"Uh oh.."

CLANG! The knife fell to the floor.

The pink haired girl took the knife and went off to find Carrie.

"I am as careless as Carrie." the girl said.

The girl stabbed Carrie at her stomach to death and found the key to her father's room.

"I found the keeyyyyyy!!" the girl said crazily while holding the knife which is covered in red blood.


THE END

"That story.. is creepy." Ib thought as she closed the book.

She heard a faint clicking noise as she returned the book back to the shelf.

Ib went in to the door.

---

When Ib entered there, she saw a portrait of a blue rose, followed by a vase on a table with blue petals in the ground. Ib placed her rose in the vase and when the rose bloomed a petal, Ib felt strong.

"Blue.. petals..?" Ib thought.

There were two corridors and Ib decided to go to the right corridor.

When Ib was there, she was oddly surprise to see a man, who is injured and is lying on the ground. Ib quickly went to the man and saw him hiding a key. Ib silently took it and then called out the man.

"Argh.. I feel.. so.. hurt..." the man said in pain.

Ib pitied the man but she couldn't do a thing, so she continued on to the left corridor. There was a trail of blue petals and it led her to a door. Ib tried opening it with the key and it silently opened.

When Ib went in, she saw a different lady which was in blue and she seems playing.. with a blue rose. Ib then approached to the rose silently and then The Lady in Blue quickly chased Ib. This time, she was faster than the Lady in Red but she managed to take the rose away from the Lady in Blue.

Ib was back to the room which had the vase. She then thought about the blue rose and placed it in the vase. The blue rose slowly bloomed petals and it was a really beautiful sight. When it bloomed its 10th petal, it stopped. Ib carefully took the rose from the vase and went back to the right corridor.

The man that Ib saw earlier stood up. "The pain is gone.." he said. The man slowly backs away humorously when he saw Ib which made her laugh a little.

"Hey! I don't have any stuff left for you to take..!" he said to Ib. The man had a really beautiful yet odd appearance: he had light purple hair with four lilac colored streaks on the top of his hair. He was wearing something green followed by a blue, tattered jacket and he was wearing brown colored pants.

"Um.. Isn't this your rose?" Ib said to him, giving the man's rose back.

"Oh.. yeah. It's mine. Wait a second..
Aren't you from the gallery too?! Oh thank heavens! There is someone here other than me!" he said happily. He didn't have a really deep voice like the other adults that Ib knew and his tone and voice wasn't that childish, either.

Ib smiled because she was also happy that she was not lonely.

"Hmm. It seems that if we lose these petals.. we'll be injured, somehow. These roses are our life, so be careful if you lose these petals." he said to Ib.

"Ah.. I still haven't asked your name! My, that is really rude of me. I'm Garry by the way. What's yours?" the man said, introducing himself.

"I'm Ib." Ib replied.

"So.. how did you end up here?" Garry asked Ib, being curious.

"I don't really know. I just.. appeared here." Ib replied.

"So I see. You had no idea or any clue on how did you went up to this point, too. It seems that we've in the same situation. And thanks for giving this back. If it wasn't for you, I might be a goner back there.." Garry said to Ib.

"Well, let's get out together! I promise!" Garry said lively while holding Ib's hand. They both walked together to the next room when suddenly a funny looking painting spatted out blue paint. Garry screamed in shock but it made Ib laugh.

"Ah.. uh.. I was just.. startled and all, Ib. Lets watch out many bizarre things as that." Garry said in embarrassment. Ib smiled, because the warmth of hand made Ib feel like she's protected. Ib was very sure that the man was also like her, since he was also startled by the places and rooms in this odd gallery.

---

Preview of next chapter:

Spoiler

"The Hanged Man, huh." Garry muttured to himself, followed by a huge sigh. Recently, he heard his parents dead from one of his closest friend since he was the only witness. Garry felt like his heart was stabbed and burst up into tiny fragments of pieces which could never appear ever again. He rarely even knew them and he always wondered why.


After he saw 'The Hanged Man'- which had a man hanging upside down, he felt like hanging himself up right on the neck tightly because its like there was no more hope for him to live.

We'll know Garry's past~